Long lost footage of Nick the Geek

In honor of Nick's birthday, I searched far and wide (read Hulu) and came up with some rare, footage of Nick's early beginnings:



Happy Birthday Nick! You're like the annoying little virtual little brother I never had...

Tweet Tweet: A Twitter Ho-down

I know, you can't believe it. It's time for another Twitter Ho-down. Where's your post? You can't play without a post. And I know you want to play. Sign up below with Mr. Linky. And don't mind his cough. I'm sure it's not swine flu.

Why NtG is not allowed to fly?

I'm just saying...

I Love All Of My Children. Kind Of.

Dear FOTTSPers,

You know that I'd rather you spent all of your interwebbing time re-reading my blog, but if you need to take an occasional break from all the scintilating spirituality, may I recommend emailsfromcrazypeople.com?

It may not be scripture, but it is full of beautiful and uplifting stories. Like this one:

David writes, “This was an email in response to our University’s latest mailing of our Alumni Magazine. I have removed all specifics to protect the guilty.”

You should know that before I throw in the trash your stupid “alumnus” magazine, some of us have good education and recognize evil when we see it. Where is the report questioning the awarding of degrees in Sociology, Women’s Studies, and the like? Where is the article questioning the renaming of the Business Administration school to something from outer space like management? There isn’t such a thing as “management”, it’s just a title awarded to employees instead of giving them a pay raise. Come on Uof__, get with reality. Jeepers. You’re looking like a bunch of fools.

Look, its time to realize that woman aren’t people. They just repeat yesterday all over again each day. If you listen to their conversations, you will note the absence of verbs. They can’t do life. They can’t do Earth. You shouldn’t have all your staff positions occupied by non-humans. It shows in your Alumnus magazine. Fake nonsense is not a good idea.

Class of ‘65

Love,

God

Safety First!

Hot Rod is, by far, one of the stupidest movies ever, but also one of the funniest. If you haven't seen Andy Samberg in action... here's a taste:



Stay safe over the weekend!

No robots were harmed in the writing of this Twitter Ho-down

Where has the week gone and what have you got to show for it? Oh yeah, tweets. Lots and lots of tweets. So how about writing a post about them then linking below with Mr. Linky? It'll be like a walk down memory lane for those suffering from short-term memory loss...

Gifts for all of you!

I am a HUGE fan of Katdish and her Sky Mall posts. The items in Sky Mall remind me that although people may have money, they don't necessarily have taste.

So imagine my happiness when I see that Neiman Marcus has released their 2009 Fantasy Holiday catalog!

One day, if I win the lottery and lose my mind, I'm buying all of you one of these.



And then I'll fly you all into my ranch (first class of course!) and we'll race. No pressure for letting me win since I bought you such a cool gift. No, really. No pressure.

Now if you'll excuse me, that lottery ticket ain't gonna by itself...

My cousin sent this email quiz to me. I usually don't pass these along, but this was so amazingly accurate, that I needed to share this with the world! Or at least with FOTTSP!


FIND OUT WHO TRULY IS YOUR ROLE MODEL. DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET, DO THE

SIMPLE MATH BELOW, THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND YOUR HERO.



It's CRAZY how accurate this is!



No peeking !



1) Pick your favorite numb er between 1-9



2) Multiply by 3 then



3) Add 3



4) Then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator....)



5) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number....



6) Add the digits together




Now Scroll down

................

With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:



1. Einstein

2. Oprah Winfrey

3. Snoopy

4. Bill Clinton

5. Bill Gates

6. Gandhi

7. Ronald Reagan

8. Babe Ruth

9.Helen at Random Musings

10. John F. Kennedy

I know, I know....I just have that effect on people. One day, you too can be like me.

P.S. Stop picking different numbers!! I AM YOUR IDOL, JUST DEAL WITH

IT!!!!!!




Hope about joining Wendy in her LIfe is Funny blog carnival?

Sharing is Caring

Peter sent a link to a site where you can make your own animated videos.  I did just that, and because I am generous I wanted to share it with you.

Allow me to set the scene... We join our heroes at the coffee shop where they are catching up on events of the day...




And... you are welcome. So is it too early to be thinking about an Oscar?

Tweet 'em if you've got 'em

Alright, who's been tweeting? Inquiring minds want to know! Show us what we might have missed by not gluing ourselves to the computer as we should. Sign up with Mr. Linky below and link it up to your Twitter post. You know, your twitter post that's just dying to come out? Leave no tweet untwurned. Don't make me go on. It only gets worse from here.

Spread some Monkey Love

Yeah so the second I saw this I thought of FOTTSP.

I'm not sure I have the link setup right. The service is a mail service that is free for 500 list members. I was pointed that direction and it works for what I'm needing right now. Dunno if anyone else needs anything like that but there you go.

Of course I'm not posting this for the email service, but because I want to spread some Monkey Butt love.

Who's a good little Twitter Ho?

Okay people, who's joining in on the Twitter Ho-down this week? Don't hold back now, we know you've got tweets stashed somewhere. Just post 'em to your blog then sign up with Mr. Linky below. Operators are standing by.

Community is Hilarious

No one should listen to @PeterPollock about Community because... it is funny. For instance (First video is kind of long... but... HILARIOUS):

Unfortunately, no one is paying me to advertise this show. I'll keep yo updated on that though, but this show is seriously funny, and has a semi-message in it.

So, enjoy the fun!

Happy Birthday Steph!!!

Another year older, another year wiser. Well, another year older at least. I searched high and low for the perfect birthday gift for you, but then remembered you already had a Snuggie, so I got you this instead. You're welcome!

Now where did we leave that spanking machine?

It's National Sarcasm Day!

According to the great Google, today is National Sarcasm Day. Have you purchased gifts for the Snark in your life? No? Well here are some ideas:

So...who's buying what for whom today? And also? Sorry I didn't realize this day was coming. I would totally have encouraged each of you to register for gifts. My bad.

PS--If you're looking for gift ideas for me and Steph, here's something we might be interested in thanks to allergens and pollen.

Twitter Ho says what?

Okay, who's been tweeting this week? Well now's the time to share at the Twitter Ho-down! Sign up with Mr. Linky below. He's been waiting all week for this very moment...

Tell Maniacal Katdish a Joke

Okay, so here's the scoop. People were conversating (yes, I know that's not a real word) on twitter this morning and Katdish was manically laughing about something. Peter Pollock suggested I make a picture of her laughing maniacally.

Alas, I could not, but I'll do you one better. I combed the interwebs and found this rare footage of Katdish laughing, how else, maniacally...so I thought we could turn this into a little game.

Here's how it works.

1. You tell Maniacal Katdish a joke in the comments
2. Then hit the play button on the audio player.
3. She thinks all your jokes are downright HI-larious. With me so far?

Okay, I'll go first.

Hey Maniacal Katdish! Did you hear the one about the woman who gets onto a bus with her baby?

The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says, "There's no call for that. You go right up there and give him a piece of your mind. Go ahead... I'll hold your monkey for you."

Now, it's your turn! Make Maniacal Katdish laugh with your best joke. You will be the hit of the party (and even if you're not, Maniacal Katdish still thinks you're great).

Please don't ask me why Maniacal Katdish sounds as if she's been smoking for 50 years because I do not know the answer to such a question. You could ask Maniacal Katdish, but she's only going to laugh at you.

Since this may be the final post I ever get to do here before my blog privileges are revoked, I would just like to borrow a line from a friend-- I'm sorry/you're welcome.

Elegant Taste?

Okay fottsp members, I am not sure you are all aware of it, but Wendy sponsers a blog carnival every week called Life is Funny. Are you guys checking it out? Because I know there hasn't been much particpation from fottsp members on it. I thought maybe you all weren't aware of it, and that a Life is Funny post on fottsp would fix it. Besides. This blog has more followers than mine, so maybe even if fottspers know but choose not to participate, the fottsp followers may. Please?


So, the other day I almost purchased a Christmas craft magazine while in line at the grocery store. I know it is too early for Christmas, but my mom likes to do crafts. It's not a lifelong interest, just one she's had since being couped in. I decided not to buy the magazine however because I didn't have a chance to take a look and see if the crafts were doable for her.

Then today, Bob and I were at Borders, and I saw the magazine I was thinking of getting. I started thumbing through it, and was disappointed to find it was more about decorating than crafts. And if that weren't bad enough, I found out that I don't have elegant taste. Every single room featured in that magazine was elegant, and I hated it. If I had been in that room with the hostess, I'd have been polite enough to say...

"My. That IS elegant..."

I would not have mentioned that my taste isn't elegant. I thought it was. Until looking at that magazine, my idea of elegant Christmas decor was having small flashing multicolored lights instead of the large bulbs, and making sure baby Jesus was only lit up at night.... But it turns out that my idea of elegant is actually tacky. And you know what? I kinda feel sorry for people who prefer elegant..

Now, if any of my fellow fottspers prefer elegant Christmas decor to flashing multicolored lights, just let katdish know so that she can revoke your blog priveleges.....KIDDING! I'll love you anyway. And the worst thing I'll say about you is that you have elegant taste...


The blog carnival is called Life is Funny, not Life is Hysterical, so this post is funny enough. Trust me. I have been participating for months. Why don't you? She's obviously not particular....


This is what I call super elegant.

Welcome to Canada! (Bienvenu!)

I love this video!

Arrrrrr!

Avast ye bloglubbers. Be ye prepared fer today?

Today be International Talk Like a Pirate Day!

ARRRRR!!!

Is that a Twitter Ho-down?! Oh, no. It's just the curtains.

It's time for another Twitter Ho-down folks! But before we get started, here's a little something you should see in case you missed it:

The story Marni didn’t blog about the other week for some strange reason

marni71 So a lady comes into my office today. As soon as she opens the door, she screams and runs back out... Then she slowly comes back in and says "I'm sorry, I'm just really afraid of taxidermy!" Now I'm thoroughly confused because there are no dead animals in my office. And I'm looking at her all WTFrak?! Then she looks over me head at what she thought was taxidermy and says "Oh, it's just your curtains!" Welcome to my life.

Now on to the carnival! Sign up below on Mr. Linky. And just so you know, Mr. Linky is afraid of taxidermy, too.

Why yes, I do have crap laying around.

Got too much crap layin' around your house? If you've got kids, the answer is 'yes'. But have I got the solution for you! No need to thank me.

What a Clown!

You wouldn't believe how many videos making fun of Ronald McDonald are on Youtube. I had no idea that he could inspire people to such creative depth.

Still, I didn't think any of it was funnier than his first commercial. I know, I know...I have changed over the years, too....But wow, has his fashion sense improved!

Nothing to see here

The Twitter Ho-down is taking a break this week. But stay tuned next week for more fun and frivolity. Now go away and let me do my business.

Cracks Me Up! I Can't Breath!

Saw this commercial tonight...and our poor blog is almost as neglected as my own...

So in case you need a laugh:

Twitter Ho-down - The Return of Helen

Helen has her computer back and all is right in the Twitterverse again! Did everyone else suddenly have more tweets because of it? Or was it just me? Anyway, let the Twitter Ho-down begin! Blog your tweets then sign up below on Mr. Linky. By the way Helen, I think Mr. Linky was pining for you while you were gone, too.

I Had a Really Cool Title for This Post in My Head, But I Forgot What It Was, But Trust Me, It Was a Doozy!

And now, we interrupt this hilarity, for a serious post. Why not do a serious post on my own blog? Well, I could claim that it is to give Peter P. 's book giveaway and Be the Church blog challenge more exposure, since fottsp has more readers, or I could tell you the truth, that the friend I bring up reads my blog, and would see her flaws rather than mine, and she doesn't need that right now. So, we'll just go with the first reason.

The other day, a friend from college called to wish me an early Happy Birthday. It was great to hear from her. We don't talk as often as I'd like. Sometimes I call and get the machine. I always say "Hi, this is Helen, calling just to say "Hi!" ......HI!". Always. Even the day when I called because I found out I'd NEVER have a baby, and I needed HER ear.

Now, she often doesn't get back to me for weeks. I always assumed she was too busy for me and my small little life. I felt too proud to say "What the H-E-Double Hockey Stick took you so long to get back to me?" I also felt too proud to tell her why I called a month later. If she doesn't need me, then I don't need her!

Guess what. Long story short, I confided my problem to her recently, and yesterday told her of Bob and my plans for moving on. She has been struggling with the VERY SAME issue I have, except doesn't have the support system I do, and has been avoiding all calls for a long time because she is depressed. Depression is like that. It makes you shut people out when you need them. I thought I was depressed just because I wanted to die. Still, I wasn't so depressed that I didn't want to talk to anyone. But I did let pride get in my way. I did not let her in that day, and for years, not because I was too depressed to talk to her, but because I was too proud to confide in her if she didn't feel like calling me.

If I had told her, she may have felt less alone. Sure, I would have wept buckets on her shoulder, but perhaps that would have freed her to let me in. But I didn't, and she suffered alone. I have mom, Bob, and others whom I've leaned on, and I've known that I'm not alone. She didn't have that, because I was too busy playing nah, nah, nah nah, nah.

BTW, I am not feeling all down on myself for not being perfect. I see I could have been a better friend, but then, who can look back on forty years and find they have never behaved in such a way as they regret? I do want to turn this around so that I learn something though, and think that Peter P.'s blog challenge gives me the opportunity to share that.

That something is that to Be The Church, one needs to leave their pride behind them. I ought to have not read my own insecurities into her behavior. If I reacted with less pride, well, it may have been overwhelming for her, but at least she would have seen her own struggle playing out, and perhaps would have shared her own feelings and we could have leaned on each other a little.

I learned that Being The Church is as much letting people help you as being helped....

Peter, please don't give me the extra entries because of this post. I don't deserve it, because it is about how I have failed to Be The Church, not how I have succeeded. I'm not all bad. I've done some things right, too. I'll share that on my own blog early next week, and then you can give me the extra entries, okay?

Oh, and btw, you can check out Peter's blog challenge thingy at this website and have the opportunity to write on how you think we should Be the Church. I don't know if the extra points for wishing me a Happy Birthday has expired or not, though.

God bless you!

Not sure how much trouble I'm gonna get in but oh well it seems like it might be funny and Moses is bound to tick him off before anything bad happens.

Wow, now that's a long title. Did you know they limit how long your title can be? Yeah me neither. Anyways, I know God has a blog just posted but I'm gonna put this up too because it is funny and God appreciates funny.



Also, Moses made me do it ... yeah that's what I'm going with.

God's Blog Ultimate Audience Participation Awesome Essay Contest Spectacular!

Dear Smarty Pants,

Hello. Want to win a prize? More specifically, want to win a prize for talking about how awesome I am?

What am I even asking for? Of course you do. Which is why you are all going to head over to my blog and enter in the God's Blog Ultimate Audience Participation Awesome Essay Contest Spectacular!

I happen to have it on good authority (my own) that someone from this blog may or may not be crowned the champion. Just sayin'.

Love,

God

p.s. Moses sucks.

Yeah, Thanks for the Advice

Okay, this is my first post at the Fellowship, so be gentle.

I happened upon this note in a bathroom recently and they were posted everywhere (seriously, like 5 or 6 of them). The only problem is that unless you have no personal hygiene and/or a shred of common sense, this note is pretty much useless.

In case you can't read it, here are the big ideas and brilliant ways you can avoid getting the flu.

1. Wash your hands with soap and water for 15-20 seconds (okay with you so far- good reminder)
2. Try to stay in good general health (riiight...)
3. Get plenty of sleep, be physically active, manage your stress, drink plenty of fluids,a nd eat nutritious foods (would a diet of twinkies and pepsi qualify?)
4. Try to avoid contact with surfaces that may be contaminated with the flu virus (also to keep from getting Anthrax, stay away from places with Anthrax. Oh and stay away from banks if you want to avoid money and avoid post offices if you want to don't like lines)
5. Avoid close contact with people who are sick (translation: no frenching the sickys)

Okay there are a couple suggestions here that are decent reminders, but do we need a list of 5 to make it official or more commanding. The stupid ones make me want to ignore the ones that are actually good.

Have we degraded ourselves so much as a society that we need to remind each other to "stay in general good health" and "avoid contact with sick people." Perhaps the term "no-brainer" no longer applies to anything.

Are these good ideas and I'm making too much of this? Have you seen or received any useless advice lately? Want to add to the list of unspoken rules that apparently need to be spoken?

The Purist

On my blog today, I posted my favorite poem from High School. For this blog, I thought my favorite poem from Junior High would be more appropriate. Sherri has referrred to some of you people as seventh grade boys, you know...

The Purist
by Ogden Nash

I give you now Professor Twist,
A conscientious scientist,
Trustees exclaimed, "He never bungles!"
And sent him off to distant jungles.
Camped on a tropic riverside,
One day he missed his loving bride.
She had, the guide informed him later,
Been eaten by an alligator.
Professor Twist could not but smile.
"You mean," he said, "a crocodile."

If the Twitter's a-rockin', don't come a knockin'.

It's Twitter Ho-down time, ladies and gents! Throw your tweets on to your blog and share them with us! Show Mr. Linky some love by signing up with him below. Linky's need love, too, you know.

Uh, Clive Owen Isn't a Weenie

For those of you that missed it in the comments section, Marni called Clive Owen a weenie. Now, aside from the weeniness of the use of the word weenie, I always thought Marni was sensible. Her main reasoning for this was because he "is British".

But this is going too far. Clive Owen is awesome. And so are some other British BA's. I'll stand up for them where they can't.

Clive Owen:

He started out in BMW short films as "the driver" where he proceeded to be an awesome getaway car driver. He has since been King Arthur (not the best movie, but he kicked some serious butt), and a guy who can kill practically anyone in Shoot Em Up. I tried to look up a clip of him just killing people, and being all around BA, but I couldn't find one without violence and blood. I rest my case.

Moving on,

Jason Statham:

Do I even need to clarify this with a defining statement? He started out his career doing a series of movies where he was a trash-talking wanna-be gangster, co-starring with Brad Pitt in one. From there, he's moved on to movies where he simply beats the crap out of people. Say what you will about the quality of films, the plot line or whatever, but you can't deny that you'd want to be on his good side.

Marni, I think you think that you snuck in that British comment sneakily into the comments of another section. Now, while I admit that Chuck Norris could annihilate both of these two combined, it's just not a fair comparison. If all men were compared to Chuck Norris, then we'd all fall short... he's just that awesome.

Things got a little out of hand

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly things can get out of hand on the Twitter.

Today started quite normally and things were going quite smoothly until I sent an innocent tweet to Sir Billy Coffey to give him some encouragment.

Before anyone knew what was happening, Billy was being compared to Clive Owen and Chuck Norris. How it came to that, I have no idea. However, of course, Jason (Mr @br8kthru himself) was around and so mere moments later this appeared:

Yes, it's Chuck Owen, Jasons tribute to Billy Coffey!

Enjoy.

Day Man

I've had a song stuck in my head for days. And, it's about time that someone else did too. I haven't posted anything on this site for what feels like years...

So, I'm going to utterly redeem myself with this song. Seriously.

Okay, so maybe "redeem" wasn't the right word, but, hey, "Day Man. Ahh ahh ahhh!" You can't deny it's catchiness.

(And, I should have posted my Christian shirt ideas here, now that I think about it, but hey, check them out anyway.)

Who you callin' a Twitter Ho?

Time for the Twitter Ho-down! Wanna join? Just dust off your tweets for the week and stick 'em on your blog. Make sure you put a link in your post back to this blog, then sign up on Mr. Linky below. Just be careful where you sign because Mr. Linky is ticklish.

Boys will be boys....

When I first began my journey into cyber space, namely, the blog world, many friends and family members warned me about the possible people I would come in contact with. They warned me to never believe everything stated by someone I'm conversing with, because although they SAY they are a "40 something Christian lady, just looking to meet other Christian bloggers out there", they may actually be some kind of perverted male just trying to lure unsuspecting saint-like bloggers (that would be me) into their dark world.

I assured them that I would be able to tell. And even if I was fooled in the beginning, time will tell, because no one could continue in a fake persona for very long, plus, I have the gift of discernment.

Okay.

This leads me to today's post.

Now, you know I haven't posted here in a while because really, I don't have the time. And now, my precious and HAWT husband Big Al was injured on his Motorcycle, so I have not been keeping up with other's posts because I'm home taking care of him. He will be okay, but very banged up, as you could imagine after being thrown from a bike off the highway and landing face first in a grassy field.

So, I reach out to my so-called Christian blogger pals to let them know about Big AL and his injuries,

Oh yes, for the the first day or so, they were all like "Praise God he's ok... Thanking God for this miracle.... God is good....We're praying for you and Big Al...If you need anything....

By day two, the "Christan Lady bloggers "show their true colors...the SEVENTH GRADE BOYS finally put away the masks and begin to type:

WARNING! WARNING! What you are about to read will be offensive and is definitely pg-13 and R-rated with lots of rated x innuendo. Sorry, but I feel it is necessary to share this conversation to expose the FOTTSP "ladies" for who they really are...a bunch of sleazy SEVENTH GRADE BOYS!

* I send this innocent email giving them an update on Big Al's condition.
This is the second email I send- so It is being picked up in mid conversation after Candy says I'm playing HOT NURSE and she has a nurse's cap to send to me to wear with my stilettos:

Saint Sherri

...But he actually stood in the shower this morning. But he could only stand there. I did all the work.

*Then realizing, that may of come across wrong- I TRY to clarify....

(Just a platonic bathing incident- get your mind out of the gutter ladies!) It's kind of funny- that what at one time would have been considered a romantic gesture, was now simply an act of necessity.
Showering together is not romantic when one person is hurting all over, and the other is looking at the the abrasions, bumps, lumps, bruises, cuts, and swollen areas.

But he seems to be feeling a LITTLE better. The timing of his pain pills are now more hours between dosages.

I wish he would let me take pictures, but he won't. It would make you all want to cry. And then you'd want to kiss him and give him a gentle hug. I'm tellin' ya', he's a sad puppy to look at.





Beth- Big Al...I don't blame you for not wanting pics. Just say no!!!


Kent (posing as "katdish") Yes. Please send nekkid pictures of Al in the shower....


Arnold (posing as "Annie K")-Sherri, did you really write, 'Showering together is not romantic when one person is hurting all over, and the other is looking at the the abrasions, bumps, lumps, bruises, cuts, and swollen areas.'

Perhaps i have an extremely perverted mind but I totally started cracking up at those last few words.

O'cmon...like y'all didn't snort at that!


(Kent/katdish)SNORT!

I'm really sorry for your pain Al. We're not laughing at you. We're laughing at your wife.


(Wendell posing as "Wendy")span style="font-style:italic;">>Maybe if Sherri didn't leave the swollen parts alone Big Al would be happier. C'mon Sherri! Swollen parts need love, too!


Beth- Oh my dear goodness gracious. You all are upsetting my delicate sensibilities...

(Kent/katdish) Next on a very special Matter of Fact:Big Al's Swollen Areas


( Innocent Mare)Seriously, I'm too young for this... ;)



Saint Sherri-Sorry Mare. Cover your eyes!

Saint Sherri-Ladies, Ladies, the "swollen" areas I was referring to were only his ankles, shoulder and THUMB!!! Geesh! Poor Big AL, has no idea what all kind of talk is going on behind his back! (or behind his "Swollen areas")



(Mark posing as "Marni")-OMGee!! I'm sitting in the car waiting for my daughter to get out of tutoring and I am CRYING I am laughing so hard at all of you.

Sherri if you get bored with "naughty nurse", my hubs is a police detective. I can send you some cuffs and u can be "naughty lady cop"...bow chick wow wow ;)



Saint Sherri- And yes Annie, you're a pervert!

And that goes for the rest of ya' too!

I'm just trying to .... oh forget it! I can't even explain anymore, because you all are like talking to seventh grade boys- now ANYTHING I share will seem "dirty"!

SaintSHerri-You've taken an innocent "platonic bathing incident" and turned it into a cheap porno flick!!!! And now katdish wants pics of him in the shower?!!!! And then there's Wendy....need I say more? And poor Mare- we've scared her to death- tomorrow, I'm only listing the foods I cooked for him.


Herbie Gookins posing as Beth-hehehe...you said "cheap porno flick"...hehehe



(Carl/Candy)span style="font-style:italic;">>Oh, I can't wait for the update tomorrow, Sherri! Don't forget the whipped cream!

Yeah, poor Mare. Really, we are nice girls. Nice, married girls. We're nothing like....Sherri. Poor Big Al (why does she call him Big Al, anyway?) - getting taken advantage of while he's feeling so poorly.



Saint Sherri-Okay, I WON'T list the foods I cooked for him because nuts are included, and a banana....I can see where it will end up!

Maybe I'll just list SOME SCRIPTURES on HEALING so your perverted minds can get some rest!

(Carl posing as "Candy")Surely you can get some sympathy pictures without the "swollen areas" and such.


Virtuous Steph- Wow.

Just... Wow.

Sherri, I must apologize for all of THEM. We all know that had I been here, I would have defended you. And Big Al's "swollen parts."

Awww, now I feel dirty.


Candy/CarlSteph – don’t try to play good cop. You’d have been in the thick of it. YOU KNOW IT.



Charlie have any recipes for Sherri? With nuts? Bananas?

(Saint Sherri)- Thank you Steph for defending the swollen parts and NOT acting like a Jr. High BOY! I appreciate ONE adult in the mix here.

Helen called yesterday- she had no idea Big Al had any swollen parts as she still has not been on the computer- so I filled her in AND told her about my friendship with a bunch of Junior High BOYS, so now when she goes to the Library she'll be a bit prepared. I read some of them to her.
She'll probably get kicked out as she doubles over while busting out a big BAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!

Poor Big Al, just trying to enjoy a healthy breakfast, and it's sure to become blog fodder! And now my image has been tainted!

Marni- what happened to all the "talk" about helping me deal with the stress of care taking?

Okay, there was MUCH more, but since I have a temporarily crippled husband who needs me by his side, I could only cut and paste so much, but I'm sure you can imagine the rest...or maybe not, unless YOU'RE a SEVENTH GRADE BOY!

I just thought you all should know who/what you're really dealing with here.

Good night.

He had it coming

"Jerk Pants for Cheap" and other keyword searches

I recently did a post on Hey look a Chicken about my favorite keyword searches that landed people on my blog. And as strange and disturbing as some of those searches were, I assumed they would not hold a candle to those that landed people on this blog. Oh, boy. When you're right you're right.

Let me just get this out of the way right up front (he-he "up front"). Of the 139 keyword searches that landed people on this blog, twenty-four of them contained the words "Annie K's boobs". Annie's boobs got more hits that "Fellowship of the Traveling Smartypants". We're all so proud. For those of you who are here today in search of Annie's "frontsettes", go away! Shoo! Shoo! They'll be none of that here.

Ah....monkey butt references! Yes, there were many. Including, but not limited to:

monkey butt + pants
monkey butt on a woman
monkey pants tutorial
nick monkey
richard monkey butt
what is monkey butt?
anti monkey butt
anti monkey butt powder

And my personal favorite: pearls before swine monkey butt

And now for some randomly ridiculous keyword searches:

youmightbeatwitterho
mullet with headlights wiki
"relieved herself" parking
"where the magic happens" squirrel
dog poop in wool rug
far away smarty for my dream
freaky rainbow room
geriatric dog won't urinate
harry potter and the oh look something shiny
have you seen this cat because it's awesome
hey cavalier polka lyrics
how do you say smarty pants in spanish?
jerk pants for cheap
low carb monster
marni sunglasses
my dog's a jerk
olive garden mullet kid in commercial
tweetstalk venn diagram twitter facebook narcissism (who googles THAT?)
what is the banana spell in the ooh something shiny!
what's a pirate's favorite restaurant?

So, there you have it. I've shown you ours, now you show us yours. What are your top keyword searches? As Steph and Gollum would say:

Give us the precious.

We wants it.

Twitter Ho-down - Number 5 is alive!

Okay folks, it's time for the newest edition of the Twitter Ho-down! I know, you're excited. Just try not to piddle on the floor, huh? Want to play along? Go to your blog and post your best, or worst, of your week on Twitter then link it back to this blog. And don't forget to show Mr. Linky some love at the end of this post. He feels left out if you don't put your name and the link to your Twitter blog post in the boxes. Don't make Mr. Linky angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry. Ready? Set. Go!

Disturbing New Trend in Commercials

First came the money with eyes, stalking people who could have saved money on their car insurance...



Then came the mops and brooms stalking women who are way overdressed for cleaning...



But when I saw this commercial the other night, I about died of a heart-attack...




Dear advertising companies,

I am paranoid enough without you inventing new inanimate objects for me to be afraid of. Today I scolded my vaccuum and was convinced a throw pillow moved three feet when I wasn't looking. So knock it off with the creepy household objects coming to life and stalking people thing, or I will have to sick my wicker furniture on you. (Wicker is just one letter away from wicked...a coincidence? I think not!)

All my love,
Beth

The Stars at Night, Are Big and Bright...

I miss Helen. I just had to get that out of the way. Therefore, I propose that all FOTTSP members be required, by Monkey Butt law, to carry iPhones or BlackBerry's in case of computer failure. You should be required to tweet too, but I don't know if we can quite enforce that...yet.

A buddy sent this along, so I had to share because:

a. We've become slackers and aren't posting here much right now
b. NtG takes shots at Texas all the time, so this is my way of passively agressively getting back at him

TEXAS, ACCORDING TO JEFF FOXWORTHY

If someone in a Home Depot offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Texas

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Texas

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas

If you install security lights on your house and garage,but leave both unlocked, you may live in Texas

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Texas

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph --you're going 80 and everybody's passing you, you may live in Texas

If you find 60 degrees 'a little chilly,' you may live in Texas


And...did you know:

1. Beaumont to El Paso : 742 miles

2. Beaumont to Chicago : 770 miles

3. El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas

4. Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period in Dr Pepper

5. The State Mascot is the Armadillo (an interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies. They have one egg, which splits into four, and they either have four males or four females)

Now let's all start contributing here again before I'm forced to post the official Cowboy Church version of the Ten Commandments.

One to drive the robots mad

In honor of having been marked as a spam blog and having had that status completely revoked I here by give you:

Twitter Ho-down Whatever Week We're On

Wow, good thing I'm up late and looked at Katdish's post... Yup, totally lost track of the day of the week. Hey, Twitter was down and it threw my whole life off. It happens. But now I'm back on track. Are you? It's time for the Twitter Ho-down people! Do your post and link it back to here, then fill in Mr. Linky below. Let the funny begin!

Happy Birthday Katdish!

So, today marks yet another anniversary of the day the earth was graced with Katdish. One might expect to see a video posted here with some version of a Happy Birthday song, but one would be wrong. Instead, I present a video that is more up Katdish's alley...

Happy Katdishmas to you! Now where's the cake?

[Glitterfy.com - *Glitter Words*]

Don't forget to thank your sysadmin on the way out the door

I haven't posted anything geeky in a while so ...

Twitter Ho-down - Third time's the charm.

OMGoogle! I can't believe it's time again already! Time for another Twitter Ho-down! Got yer tweets ready? Then stick 'em on your blog, put a link back to here and sign up below. Could it be any easier? Okay, maybe it could be easier. Just humor me. Now get to it!

Heavenly Bacon (Just Watch the Video, and the Title Will Make Sense)

Okay friends. First of all, the disclaimer. I am Catholic. I am a very conservative Catholic. I am also Hungarian. As a Hungarian Catholic, it is well within my personality to go ballistic if I think someone is insulting my faith, or my Numero Uno Pastor, Pope Benedict XVI.

Still, I thought this was hysterically funny. If you don't, please forgive me. If you do, then YAyyyy us! I also stole this from Ironic Catholic, who is a Catholic theology teacher in Minnesota (sharing the blame, or credit, depending on how you feel about video).

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Pope Wrist Watch
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Tasers

Pope Benedict XVI, my Numero Uno Pastor, is 82 years old. That means that healing is difficult for him. Meanwhile, wrist injuries are difficult for anyone to heal from. Could I trouble you to pray that my Numero Uno Pastor's wrist heals well? Thanks.

Are We the Only Ones?

For some reason my husband and I get a kick out of this commercial. Might be the kid that looks 26 years old (even though I found him on IMDB and he's much younger...poor guy.) Might be his wig like hair. No...I think it's just the cheese! I hope none of you have any connections with ad writers at Olive Garden...but they are so cheesy that it puts their pasta to shame.

Boundin

I saw this on another blog, and I thought it would be cute for the kiddies...

Can't keep a good man down.

Apparently if you grew up in Australia in the 1980's, you could not avoid seeing this advertisement. It was run by the Christian Television Alliance, but I am not clear if they are advertising CTA, or Jesus.

Be warned, the chorus is catchy.

So what do you think? Is this poor taste, or just really cheesy?

Mullet with Headlights

OK, so the second I heard, "mullet with headlights" I decided two things. First and most obviously I thought that was something I needed to start saying on a regular basis. Seriously, when is that not appropriate? I could use it during a sermon based on Sampson, or when talking about my visit to Eureka. I think it might be the best way to start describing the new "crossover" SUVs^*. "Yeah they are kinda like a mullet with headlights." I don't see that ever getting old.

The second thing I thought was that this video must be posted on FOTTSP. So here it is.



^*A Crossover SUV is basically a new way to describe a station wagon. Station wagons are uncool but SUVs are cool, so a car that is "combined" with a SUV would look exactly like a station wagon from days past, but is instead called a Crossover SUV. I hope you can see how that is pretty much a mullet with headlights.

Twitter Ho-down Part Deux

Remember all the fun we had at the last Twitter Ho-down? It seems like only last week that we were laughing and remembering good times on Twitter...

Yes, it's that time again! Time to go through your Twitter posts and blog about the best, the worst and the bathroom breaks in between. Just make sure to put a link in your post back to this here carnival. You want to share the love, don't you? And don't forget to sign up with Mr. Linky below. He gets so cranky when he's left out. Make sure you link directly to your Twitter post, huh? That way we don't have to go hunting around for it. Some of us like things easy. I think that's all I've got. Besides, I need to get back to Twitter. Someone's gotta keep 'em in business.

Hey, Hey, We're the Monks...?

I just love the muppets, and nothing, I mean nothing, will ever change that.
What? You need proof?

The hunt for the elusive Tom

Katdish mentioned yesterday via twitter that she was working on a post for Tom, but then refuses to say who Tom is. Last night many of the FOTTSP contributors tried to get her to spill the beans but no luck. At this point we think Tom may be one of many famous Tom's, but the most likely are:



Tom Marvolo Riddle. This is the young boy that grows up to become Lord Voldemorte, the worst dark wizard in history. Certainly Katdish would not want to admit to writing for his blog. Also she did make quite the Riddle of this Tom character, so it makes sense.

Weightwhat also posited that it might be another famous Tom:

Yes 10 second Tom also makes great sense. He is the only person that has a shorter attention span than our dear ADD katdish.

Of course, Helen seems to think that Tom is code for God. Other than having the same number of letters this makes little sense to me. Mostly because katdish loves to name drop and if she was writing a post for God she would totally say something about that. Even if she was sworn to secrecy she would find something more obvious like "I'm writing a post for 'not stan'." See how that works.

Sow hat do you think? Who is the secret life of Tom? Why won't katdish tell us? Why is she ignoring me?

I Usually Go With John 14:1, But Whatever Works For You...

Joanna's Crazy Christian Clips strike me once again in their hilarity.

My favorite line : "You ain't gonna see that verse cross stitched on a pillow. Unless it's a special pillow, I guess..."

It's a Twitter Ho-down!

You've waited. You've longed for it. And now it's here... No, not the latest Harry Potter movie. Although I must say that it was fabulous... It's the first ever Twitter Ho-down Blog Carnival! Now we all have a chance to be just like @katdish and have ridiculously long posts in which we glory in the Twitter Ho-ness that is us. It's good to be us!

So get that Twitter post done on your blog and link it up below on our new friend Mr. Linky. Don't worry, he doesn't bite. Just put your name/blog name in the first box and the direct link to your post in the second box. I know you can do it. I have faith in you. And if you missed the post rules that are really more like guidelines, you can see them here. Now hop to it! The world needs to know of our brilliance!

Monkey Butt Update!

I feel like I need a red carpet and an entourage now. I'm almost famous. Check out this email I got yesterday from my good friend and former college roommate. You know she's super cool because she was the one who introduced me to SCL....


Howdy! Saw the "Anti Monkey Butt" logo prominently displayed on your
"group blog." Thought I'd let you know that YOU are the winner of the
"Six Degrees of Anti Monkey Butt Separation" award for the day! Anti
Monkey Butt is one of the products that my brother-in-law, Les, deals with and sells to other vendors (like Target...Rite-Aid...other stores). The company he works for now basically represents products from a bunch of small companies and tries to market and sell them to big stores. So, Les actually knows the Anti Monkey Butt inventors and has presented at trade shows with the
actual Anti Monkey Butt mascot, Richard the Chimp. :-) So, there you
have it! Your college roommate's brother-in-law is "in" with the Anti
Monkey Butt guys.


I really want my picture taken with Richard the Chimp now. Check him out in the commercial on their website! Also, ladies, there's an anti monkey butt powder just for you now! Awesome!

Dear Robots...

Dear Blogger Robots:

We consider our postings to have more in common with baloney than spam.
Thank you for your kind consideration.

Helen



****Any fottsp contributors who agree with the above message should feel free to sign the letter...

you to birthday happy

In my Youth we have a tradition of singing Happy Birthday backwards. I mean just the words in reverse order not saying them backwards. That's devil stuff there. I started the tradition in one of my more whimsical (2nd time I've said that today) moments.

Anyways, it is Candy's birthday so everyone pick a tune and join in

You to birthday happy
Candy dear birthday happy
You to birthday happy
You to birthday happy.

I don't pray enough

I Don't pray enough.

It really bothers me.

I just wished it bothered me enough to do something about it.

It bothers me that I don't.

The carnival is coming to town!

Okay folks, the first ever Twitter Ho blog carnival is coming to FOTTSP this Friday! I know, I know. You're totally excited. But keep your smarty pants on. Joining in will be relatively painless. Just do a post on your blog about your amazingly awesome tweeting, then link it back here. I'll have a Mister Linky thing set up so it'll be easy peasy lemon squeezy!

What should you include in your post? Hey, we're easy. But not in a skanky ho kind of way. You could do a post a la Katdish and do a week in review of what you've tweeted. You could post tweets on a certain topic. You could post the tweets that @Helenatrandom sent you. Whatever works for you.

So c'mon back on Friday, Twitter Ho's. Everyone should be aware of our awesomeness!

Oh, and does anyone have any good name ideas for our fabulous carnival? Taking ideas in the comments section...

I Always Knew I'd Be a Good Detective! Thanks, Nancy Drew!

Okay. So I worked up the courage and called the number on the classified ad I posted about.

Here's the scoop...I called and all I had to do was ask where the cemetery was...

I got a very sweet elderly lady on the phone. Her husband and oldest son are buried in the cemetery. It's little country cemetery near one of the poorest little towns in our area. Evidently the church AND the cemetery were bought by a "crazy man" who intimidates the relatives who try to visit the people buried there and tells them to get off his property. She said one person she talked to said that he was carrying a gun. She's trying to get enough people together to have a meeting and go to the commissioner and see if the county will investigate and take the property back and keep it up. I guess this guy doesn't do any mowing or upkeep around the graves. She was really upset. But at least she had already heard from some others who were upset, too. I wished her success and told her that if I ran across anyone from that town I would spread the word. She thanked me and said, "God bless you, Honey." I told her God bless back.

Now...who wants to hunt down a crazy man who scares little old ladies for no good reason? That just ain't right.

Funniest Classified Ad Award

I truly hate to bump the awesome that is David Crowder, but this was entirely too funny not to share. We always get a lovely publication called The Shopper on Mondays in our mailbox. Mostly, it's full of ads and classified ads. It almost never fails to crack me up because of the crazy stuff people are seeking/selling/auctions/etc. and it's a general nightmare of grammar and spelling mistakes. Plus you never know when you might find a good deal...

Anyway, this is the best one yet:

"Anyone who has loved ones buried in Little Flock Primitive Baptist Church Cemetary please call ***-***-****. We need to talk."

WHAT?!

So, who thinks I should call the number...

David Crowder is my new hero

Also, he might just be a twitter ho. @crowderband



Let the laughter commence.

Because this just never gets old...

I know, I know....

Most of you have already seen this video, but seriously...I think we need to be constantly reminded about the dangers of magnesium. (Especially Nick.)

Lo-carb Monster can't do this

Music is Good for the Brain

I found this segment of Jon Stewart very interesting.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Oliver Sacks
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Economic Crisis

So those last two posts were good for our brains. It's scientific.

In response to Nick's video...

...this is seriously cool!

I don't care who you are that's cool right there.

OK, so now that you've seen it time to start practicing. Since we all live in different places it will be hard to get the timing down but we do have two African residents so I think that will overcome our handicap nicely.

'Cause I'm a rocket, man.

The 4th of July is over, but I seem to have a bit of it stuck to the bottom of my shoe... Oh wait. No. It's just a rocketman. Silly William Shatner.

Happy 4th of July!

Hey, does Nick the Geek have a dog? Because if he did, it sure seems like this would be the one he'd have.

Who Knew Monkey Butts Offered So Much Protection

Thanks, Wendy, for figuring out how to get it here to be published. You are terrific. Which is why you truly, truly, truly belong on fottsp...Where all the contributers are terrific. And yes, I think I will speak for myself here...

Bon Voyage..

Peter, one of our many contributors here at FOTTSP, flew to England yesterday (and boy are his arms tired!). Let's hope that he didn't have these pilots....




Hope you are safe, and have fun, Peter. And please keep your safety belt fastened at all times.