Happy Birthday, Wolfie Mo

Today is Mozart's birthday. So in celebration......

Once upon a time, during the 1991 Mozart Bicentennial, the Mozarteum decided to open its vaults and archives to the general public. It went without saying that a great number of tourists, scholars, music lovers and Mozart affectionados took all of the guided tours.

As one very young man and his parents were passing through the hallowed halls, the tour guide actually took them into an inner sanctum where teams of archaeologists and anthropologists were furiously busy constructing clay and plaster likenesses of the great WAM, with varying degrees of success.

"Those are pretty good!" The very young man exclaimed.

"Yes," the tour guide nodded proudly. "They are based on castings made from a skull believed to be mozart's. You an see the skull for yourself, under the glass case."

The battered, pitiful skull looked dolefully back at them from under a brass name plate, which had been firmly nailed into the cranium. What was even more curious was the even smaler skull beside it.

"Whose skull is that?" The very young man asked.

"Oh, that one is the skull of Mozart as a child."

The Wisdom (and Wit) of King Solomon...

Okay, I have often said my mom loves Bob to pieces, but I don't mean that literally!!! Here is a joke that I saw on Happy Catholic today. Enjoy.






Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.

“This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,” said the first woman.

“No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,” said the other. And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.

“Bring me my biggest sword,” said Solomon, “and I shall cut the young attorney in half. Each of your daughters shall receive a half.”

“Sounds good to me,” said the first woman.

But the other woman said, “Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let her daughter marry him.”

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. “The attorney must marry the first lady’s daughter,” he proclaimed.

“But she was willing to cut him in two!” exclaimed second woman.

“Indeed,” said wise King Solomon. “That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."


I suppose tomorrow I shall be grateful that my mom and my husband get along so well....

I Usually Go With John 14:1, But Whatever Works For You...

Joanna's Crazy Christian Clips strike me once again in their hilarity.

My favorite line : "You ain't gonna see that verse cross stitched on a pillow. Unless it's a special pillow, I guess..."

Who Knew Monkey Butts Offered So Much Protection

Thanks, Wendy, for figuring out how to get it here to be published. You are terrific. Which is why you truly, truly, truly belong on fottsp...Where all the contributers are terrific. And yes, I think I will speak for myself here...

Vatican Humor

A friend of mine from a now defunct prayer group sent me a joke. It is a "Catholic Joke". Yeah, even though I am Catholic, I find some of those funny. I have heard this one before, only it was whe JPII was Pope, and the idea was that he had a led foot when driving.




VATICAN HUMOR


After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the
driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was
a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something
should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver
quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating
the limo to 205 kph.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal
to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one
look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

Not Exactly Awesome Cat: How About "Mildly Amusing Cat"

Usually when I read this comic strip, I side with the dog, but here is one time that I can really get behind this kitty.

Thanks for the Information, B-man...

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

I would like to take this opportnity to thank Brian Russel (B-man?) for letting me know lolcatz means. I have seen these...I just didn't know they had their own little category there called lolcatz. Blogging has increased my computer knowledge by at least half (half of zero is still zero, right folks? Math never was my best suit). Would it have been kinder to day blogging has increased by computer knowledge a thousand fold. Perhaps. And just as true....

A Night On The Town....of Skokie

Today my husband and I went to see some Rat Pack impersonators. The name of their show is The Rat Pack is Back.
Now, I never heard of Joey Bishop before today, but apparently, he was really funny.


My Favorite Joke of the Evening
A couple of old friends are trying to play a round of golf when they catch up with two women. They watch with mounting frustration as the ladies manage to hit every water hazard, bunker and piece of rough - without waving them through, as golf etiquette requires. After two tedious hours of waiting, one of the men decides enough is enough and walks over to ask them if he can play through. He strides up the fairway, but halfway up stops suddenly and quickly returns. "I can't do it," he says to his playing partner. "One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress! Maybe it'd be better if you went to talk to them." The second man agrees, but halfway there he too, noticeably slows down, stops and returns, just like his colleague had done. "What's up?" asks the first man. "I tell you what," says the second man, gazing at his shoes and smiling sheepishly. "It's a small world, isn't it?"

Bob's Favorite Joke of the Evening
A man driving on the highway is pulled up by a police officer on a bike. The officer says, "Pull over", and the driver pulls over to the side of the road.
He says, "I'm sorry, officer, was I speeding?".
The police officer says, "No, buddy, but your wife fell out of the car a mile back."
The man replies, "Oh, that explains it. I thought I was going deaf."


I trust that Bob's taste in jokes is no more a reflection of experience than mine is: I'm a good and faithful wife. Well, faithful at least. So I trust that Bob wasn't laughing so hard because he wants me to shut up.

Sometimes It Helps to Have A Little Experience....

KFC Chicken Shortage Explained

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster to copulate with his chickens. The farmer puts the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says
"OK, old fellow, time to retire."
The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens....look at what it did to me!"
The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."
The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you,"
The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"
So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. And if I'm so feeble, why not give me a little head start?
The young rooster says, "Sure, why not, you know I'll still beat you,"
They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to KFC heaven.
He shakes his head gloomily and says, "Dang it!...That's the third gay rooster I bought this week!"

Christian Humor: A Post Inspired by SCL

In anticipation of all the SCLers coming here due to encouragement from Katdish and Steph, I thought I would share some "Christian humor". Enjoy!


Little Helen was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "tell me, Helen, who created the universe?" When Helen didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God almighty!" Shouted Helen and the teacher said, "very good" and Helen fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Helen, "who is our lord and savior," but, Helen didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" Shouted Helen and the teacher said, "very good," and Helen fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Helen a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Helen jumped up and shouted, "if you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The teacher fainted.

How about you? How about sharing a good Church or Sunday School joke with us?

Recall Notice: Humanity is Defective! Please Attend to Promptly!

Although today is still a solemn day (Easter is tomorrow, hence it is still time for reflection), I found this joke for this weekend to be to true not to be shared during our time of reflection.




Recall Notice

The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units, code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed "Sub-sequential Internal Non-Morality," or more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily expressed.

Some other symptoms include:
Loss of direction
Foul vocal emissions
Amnesia of origin
Lack of peace and joy
Selfish or violent behavior
Depression or confusion in the mental component
Fearfulness
Idolatry
Rebellion
The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this SIN defect. The Repair Technician, Jesus, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.

The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.

Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component. No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:
Love
Joy
Peace
Patience
Kindness
Goodness
Faithfulness
Gentleness
Self control
Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B..L.E (Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.

WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded.

DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility.

Thank you for your attention!
GOD

P.S. Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice, and you may contact the Father any time by "knee-mail.'


Thank you to Happy Catholic, whom I have borrowed many jokes from.

A Telemarketers Nightmare

I have never worked as a telemarketer. I usually try to be polite to them, but if they are persistent, I may have a little fun with them, but I was never that bad....

In Honor of One of the Greatest Musicians of All Time

On this date in 1827, Beethoven died. In honor of him, I post this today..




.

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"


Thanks to Happy Catholic, who posted this months ago!



On another note, I seem to have found a facility right here in Chicago to help me with my Polka Problem. Come check out my blog today to find out more about it.....Random Musings.

Sarcastics Anonymous

Here is an amusing little video about sarcasm I saw on Stacy from Louisville a couple of weeks ago.

Sorry friends, I don't know why, but I can't seem to get the copy and paste going on the embed function. I haven't been able to for a while now. I don't know what is wrong, so you will just need to follow the link if you want to see the video, which I thought was really funny. Enjoy!

~Edit~
Video repaired by your friendly neighborhood geek.

Honk if You Love Jesus...

Wendy, from the blog below, invites us to participate in life is funny week. Below the button, I share one of my favorite jokes. I first heard it in a prayer meeting years ago. I laughed so hard, tears were streaming down my face. I hope you enjoy it, too.




Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...

Dear Friend,

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing ... he was enjoying this religious experience, too!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Love,

Grandma

Any questions?

He Gave His Life for Tourism.....

This was peeking through Nick's post. This was always my favorite skit. Yes, I was six at the time. I did not normally watch SNL., but my cool cousin Rick loved this song, and I loved everything my cool cousin Rick did. So mom and dad let me stay up to watch this skit, then sent me off to bed. I guess my parents were cooler than I thought...
Also this is the first record I ever had that was not from "The Little White Duck" variety....

Just Practicing

Thank you, Nick the Geek. Your advice worked.
I think he should be allowed out of timeout. What do you all say?

A Matter of Perspective

I Read A Joke and Thought of Us....

Katdish, I know you call your blog "Hey Look, A Chicken" not "Hey Look, A Squirrel", but I thought you would get a kick out of this anyway. Besides, I think it fits this blog's randomness well, don't you?