Monday, August 31, 2009

Yeah, Thanks for the Advice

Okay, this is my first post at the Fellowship, so be gentle.

I happened upon this note in a bathroom recently and they were posted everywhere (seriously, like 5 or 6 of them). The only problem is that unless you have no personal hygiene and/or a shred of common sense, this note is pretty much useless.

In case you can't read it, here are the big ideas and brilliant ways you can avoid getting the flu.
  1. Wash your hands with soap and water for 15-20 seconds (okay with you so far- good reminder)
  2. Try to stay in good general health (riiight...)
  3. Get plenty of sleep, be physically active, manage your stress, drink plenty of fluids,a nd eat nutritious foods (would a diet of twinkies and pepsi qualify?)
  4. Try to avoid contact with surfaces that may be contaminated with the flu virus (also to keep from getting Anthrax, stay away from places with Anthrax. Oh and stay away from banks if you want to avoid money and avoid post offices if you want to don't like lines)
  5. Avoid close contact with people who are sick (translation: no frenching the sickys)

Okay there are a couple suggestions here that are decent reminders, but do we need a list of 5 to make it official or more commanding. The stupid ones make me want to ignore the ones that are actually good.

Have we degraded ourselves so much as a society that we need to remind each other to "stay in general good health" and "avoid contact with sick people." Perhaps the term "no-brainer" no longer applies to anything.

Are these good ideas and I'm making too much of this? Have you seen or received any useless advice lately? Want to add to the list of unspoken rules that apparently need to be spoken?

Saturday, August 29, 2009

The Purist

On my blog today, I posted my favorite poem from High School. For this blog, I thought my favorite poem from Junior High would be more appropriate. Sherri has referrred to some of you people as seventh grade boys, you know...

The Purist
by Ogden Nash

I give you now Professor Twist,
A conscientious scientist,
Trustees exclaimed, "He never bungles!"
And sent him off to distant jungles.
Camped on a tropic riverside,
One day he missed his loving bride.
She had, the guide informed him later,
Been eaten by an alligator.
Professor Twist could not but smile.
"You mean," he said, "a crocodile."

Thursday, August 27, 2009

If the Twitter's a-rockin', don't come a knockin'.


It's Twitter Ho-down time, ladies and gents! Throw your tweets on to your blog and share them with us! Show Mr. Linky some love by signing up with him below. Linky's need love, too, you know.

Uh, Clive Owen Isn't a Weenie

For those of you that missed it in the comments section, Marni called Clive Owen a weenie. Now, aside from the weeniness of the use of the word weenie, I always thought Marni was sensible. Her main reasoning for this was because he "is British".

But this is going too far. Clive Owen is awesome. And so are some other British BA's. I'll stand up for them where they can't.

Clive Owen:

He started out in BMW short films as "the driver" where he proceeded to be an awesome getaway car driver. He has since been King Arthur (not the best movie, but he kicked some serious butt), and a guy who can kill practically anyone in Shoot Em Up. I tried to look up a clip of him just killing people, and being all around BA, but I couldn't find one without violence and blood. I rest my case.

Moving on,
Jason Statham:

Do I even need to clarify this with a defining statement? He started out his career doing a series of movies where he was a trash-talking wanna-be gangster, co-starring with Brad Pitt in one. From there, he's moved on to movies where he simply beats the crap out of people. Say what you will about the quality of films, the plot line or whatever, but you can't deny that you'd want to be on his good side.

Marni, I think you think that you snuck in that British comment sneakily into the comments of another section. Now, while I admit that Chuck Norris could annihilate both of these two combined, it's just not a fair comparison. If all men were compared to Chuck Norris, then we'd all fall short... he's just that awesome.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Things got a little out of hand

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly things can get out of hand on the Twitter.

Today started quite normally and things were going quite smoothly until I sent an innocent tweet to Sir Billy Coffey to give him some encouragment.

Before anyone knew what was happening, Billy was being compared to Clive Owen and Chuck Norris. How it came to that, I have no idea. However, of course, Jason (Mr @br8kthru himself) was around and so mere moments later this appeared:


Yes, it's Chuck Owen, Jasons tribute to Billy Coffey!


Day Man

I've had a song stuck in my head for days. And, it's about time that someone else did too. I haven't posted anything on this site for what feels like years...

So, I'm going to utterly redeem myself with this song. Seriously.

Okay, so maybe "redeem" wasn't the right word, but, hey, "Day Man. Ahh ahh ahhh!" You can't deny it's catchiness.

(And, I should have posted my Christian shirt ideas here, now that I think about it, but hey, check them out anyway.)

Friday, August 21, 2009

Who you callin' a Twitter Ho?


Time for the Twitter Ho-down! Wanna join? Just dust off your tweets for the week and stick 'em on your blog. Make sure you put a link in your post back to this blog, then sign up on Mr. Linky below. Just be careful where you sign because Mr. Linky is ticklish.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Boys will be boys....

When I first began my journey into cyber space, namely, the blog world, many friends and family members warned me about the possible people I would come in contact with. They warned me to never believe everything stated by someone I'm conversing with, because although they SAY they are a "40 something Christian lady, just looking to meet other Christian bloggers out there", they may actually be some kind of perverted male just trying to lure unsuspecting saint-like bloggers (that would be me) into their dark world.

I assured them that I would be able to tell. And even if I was fooled in the beginning, time will tell, because no one could continue in a fake persona for very long, plus, I have the gift of discernment.


This leads me to today's post.

Now, you know I haven't posted here in a while because really, I don't have the time. And now, my precious and HAWT husband Big Al was injured on his Motorcycle, so I have not been keeping up with other's posts because I'm home taking care of him. He will be okay, but very banged up, as you could imagine after being thrown from a bike off the highway and landing face first in a grassy field.

So, I reach out to my so-called Christian blogger pals to let them know about Big AL and his injuries,

Oh yes, for the the first day or so, they were all like "Praise God he's ok... Thanking God for this miracle.... God is good....We're praying for you and Big Al...If you need anything....

By day two, the "Christan Lady bloggers "show their true colors...the SEVENTH GRADE BOYS finally put away the masks and begin to type:

WARNING! WARNING! What you are about to read will be offensive and is definitely pg-13 and R-rated with lots of rated x innuendo. Sorry, but I feel it is necessary to share this conversation to expose the FOTTSP "ladies" for who they really are...a bunch of sleazy SEVENTH GRADE BOYS!

* I send this innocent email giving them an update on Big Al's condition.
This is the second email I send- so It is being picked up in mid conversation after Candy says I'm playing HOT NURSE and she has a nurse's cap to send to me to wear with my stilettos:

Saint Sherri

...But he actually stood in the shower this morning. But he could only stand there. I did all the work.

*Then realizing, that may of come across wrong- I TRY to clarify....

(Just a platonic bathing incident- get your mind out of the gutter ladies!) It's kind of funny- that what at one time would have been considered a romantic gesture, was now simply an act of necessity.
Showering together is not romantic when one person is hurting all over, and the other is looking at the the abrasions, bumps, lumps, bruises, cuts, and swollen areas.

But he seems to be feeling a LITTLE better. The timing of his pain pills are now more hours between dosages.

I wish he would let me take pictures, but he won't. It would make you all want to cry. And then you'd want to kiss him and give him a gentle hug. I'm tellin' ya', he's a sad puppy to look at.

- Big Al...I don't blame you for not wanting pics. Just say no!!!

Kent (posing as "katdish") Yes. Please send nekkid pictures of Al in the shower....

Arnold (posing as "Annie K")-Sherri, did you really write, 'Showering together is not romantic when one person is hurting all over, and the other is looking at the the abrasions, bumps, lumps, bruises, cuts, and swollen areas.'

Perhaps i have an extremely perverted mind but I totally started cracking up at those last few words.

O' y'all didn't snort at that!


I'm really sorry for your pain Al. We're not laughing at you. We're laughing at your wife.

(Wendell posing as "Wendy")span style="font-style:italic;">>Maybe if Sherri didn't leave the swollen parts alone Big Al would be happier. C'mon Sherri! Swollen parts need love, too!

Oh my dear goodness gracious. You all are upsetting my delicate sensibilities...

(Kent/katdish) Next on a very special Matter of Fact:Big Al's Swollen Areas

( Innocent Mare
)Seriously, I'm too young for this... ;)

Saint Sherri-
Sorry Mare. Cover your eyes!

Saint Sherri-
Ladies, Ladies, the "swollen" areas I was referring to were only his ankles, shoulder and THUMB!!! Geesh! Poor Big AL, has no idea what all kind of talk is going on behind his back! (or behind his "Swollen areas")

(Mark posing as "Marni"
)-OMGee!! I'm sitting in the car waiting for my daughter to get out of tutoring and I am CRYING I am laughing so hard at all of you.

Sherri if you get bored with "naughty nurse", my hubs is a police detective. I can send you some cuffs and u can be "naughty lady cop"...bow chick wow wow ;)

Saint Sherri
- And yes Annie, you're a pervert!

And that goes for the rest of ya' too!

I'm just trying to .... oh forget it! I can't even explain anymore, because you all are like talking to seventh grade boys- now ANYTHING I share will seem "dirty"!

-You've taken an innocent "platonic bathing incident" and turned it into a cheap porno flick!!!! And now katdish wants pics of him in the shower?!!!! And then there's Wendy....need I say more? And poor Mare- we've scared her to death- tomorrow, I'm only listing the foods I cooked for him.

Herbie Gookins posing as said "cheap porno flick"...hehehe

(Carl/Candy)span style="font-style:italic;">>Oh, I can't wait for the update tomorrow, Sherri! Don't forget the whipped cream!

Yeah, poor Mare. Really, we are nice girls. Nice, married girls. We're nothing like....Sherri. Poor Big Al (why does she call him Big Al, anyway?) - getting taken advantage of while he's feeling so poorly.

Saint Sherr
i-Okay, I WON'T list the foods I cooked for him because nuts are included, and a banana....I can see where it will end up!

Maybe I'll just list SOME SCRIPTURES on HEALING so your perverted minds can get some rest!

(Carl posing as "Candy"
)Surely you can get some sympathy pictures without the "swollen areas" and such.

Virtuous Steph
- Wow.

Just... Wow.

Sherri, I must apologize for all of THEM. We all know that had I been here, I would have defended you. And Big Al's "swollen parts."

Awww, now I feel dirty.

don’t try to play good cop. You’d have been in the thick of it. YOU KNOW IT.

Charlie have any recipes for Sherri? With nuts? Bananas?

(Saint Sherri)
- Thank you Steph for defending the swollen parts and NOT acting like a Jr. High BOY! I appreciate ONE adult in the mix here.

Helen called yesterday- she had no idea Big Al had any swollen parts as she still has not been on the computer- so I filled her in AND told her about my friendship with a bunch of Junior High BOYS, so now when she goes to the Library she'll be a bit prepared. I read some of them to her.
She'll probably get kicked out as she doubles over while busting out a big BAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!

Poor Big Al, just trying to enjoy a healthy breakfast, and it's sure to become blog fodder! And now my image has been tainted!

Marni- what happened to all the "talk" about helping me deal with the stress of care taking?

Okay, there was MUCH more, but since I have a temporarily crippled husband who needs me by his side, I could only cut and paste so much, but I'm sure you can imagine the rest...or maybe not, unless YOU'RE a SEVENTH GRADE BOY!

I just thought you all should know who/what you're really dealing with here.

Good night.

He had it coming

Monday, August 17, 2009

"Jerk Pants for Cheap" and other keyword searches

I recently did a post on Hey look a Chicken about my favorite keyword searches that landed people on my blog. And as strange and disturbing as some of those searches were, I assumed they would not hold a candle to those that landed people on this blog. Oh, boy. When you're right you're right.

Let me just get this out of the way right up front (he-he "up front"). Of the 139 keyword searches that landed people on this blog, twenty-four of them contained the words "Annie K's boobs". Annie's boobs got more hits that "Fellowship of the Traveling Smartypants". We're all so proud. For those of you who are here today in search of Annie's "frontsettes", go away! Shoo! Shoo! They'll be none of that here.

Ah....monkey butt references! Yes, there were many. Including, but not limited to:

monkey butt + pants
monkey butt on a woman
monkey pants tutorial
nick monkey
richard monkey butt
what is monkey butt?
anti monkey butt
anti monkey butt powder

And my personal favorite: pearls before swine monkey butt

And now for some randomly ridiculous keyword searches:

mullet with headlights wiki
"relieved herself" parking
"where the magic happens" squirrel
dog poop in wool rug
far away smarty for my dream
freaky rainbow room
geriatric dog won't urinate
harry potter and the oh look something shiny
have you seen this cat because it's awesome
hey cavalier polka lyrics
how do you say smarty pants in spanish?
jerk pants for cheap
low carb monster
marni sunglasses
my dog's a jerk
olive garden mullet kid in commercial
tweetstalk venn diagram twitter facebook narcissism (who googles THAT?)
what is the banana spell in the ooh something shiny!
what's a pirate's favorite restaurant?

So, there you have it. I've shown you ours, now you show us yours. What are your top keyword searches? As Steph and Gollum would say:

Give us the precious.

We wants it.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Twitter Ho-down - Number 5 is alive!


Okay folks, it's time for the newest edition of the Twitter Ho-down! I know, you're excited. Just try not to piddle on the floor, huh? Want to play along? Go to your blog and post your best, or worst, of your week on Twitter then link it back to this blog. And don't forget to show Mr. Linky some love at the end of this post. He feels left out if you don't put your name and the link to your Twitter blog post in the boxes. Don't make Mr. Linky angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry. Ready? Set. Go!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Disturbing New Trend in Commercials

First came the money with eyes, stalking people who could have saved money on their car insurance...

Then came the mops and brooms stalking women who are way overdressed for cleaning...

But when I saw this commercial the other night, I about died of a heart-attack...

Dear advertising companies,

I am paranoid enough without you inventing new inanimate objects for me to be afraid of. Today I scolded my vaccuum and was convinced a throw pillow moved three feet when I wasn't looking. So knock it off with the creepy household objects coming to life and stalking people thing, or I will have to sick my wicker furniture on you. (Wicker is just one letter away from wicked...a coincidence? I think not!)

All my love,

The Stars at Night, Are Big and Bright...

I miss Helen. I just had to get that out of the way. Therefore, I propose that all FOTTSP members be required, by Monkey Butt law, to carry iPhones or BlackBerry's in case of computer failure. You should be required to tweet too, but I don't know if we can quite enforce that...yet.

A buddy sent this along, so I had to share because:

a. We've become slackers and aren't posting here much right now
b. NtG takes shots at Texas all the time, so this is my way of passively agressively getting back at him


If someone in a Home Depot offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Texas

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Texas

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas

If you install security lights on your house and garage,but leave both unlocked, you may live in Texas

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Texas

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph --you're going 80 and everybody's passing you, you may live in Texas

If you find 60 degrees 'a little chilly,' you may live in Texas

And...did you know:

1. Beaumont to El Paso : 742 miles

2. Beaumont to Chicago : 770 miles

3. El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas

4. Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period in Dr Pepper

5. The State Mascot is the Armadillo (an interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies. They have one egg, which splits into four, and they either have four males or four females)

Now let's all start contributing here again before I'm forced to post the official Cowboy Church version of the Ten Commandments.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

One to drive the robots mad

In honor of having been marked as a spam blog and having had that status completely revoked I here by give you:

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Twitter Ho-down Whatever Week We're On


Wow, good thing I'm up late and looked at Katdish's post... Yup, totally lost track of the day of the week. Hey, Twitter was down and it threw my whole life off. It happens. But now I'm back on track. Are you? It's time for the Twitter Ho-down people! Do your post and link it back to here, then fill in Mr. Linky below. Let the funny begin!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Happy Birthday Katdish!

So, today marks yet another anniversary of the day the earth was graced with Katdish. One might expect to see a video posted here with some version of a Happy Birthday song, but one would be wrong. Instead, I present a video that is more up Katdish's alley...

Happy Katdishmas to you! Now where's the cake?