Free BMan

No, it's not a give away. I noticed something disturbing today. Bman is still in the time-out corner. Now I can really get behind that if he had committed some heinous crime, such as suggesting that Awesome Cat wasn't awesome, or thinking that I live in Australia.

However it occurs to me that he was sent there a while ago as part of his initiation.

Now I'm as much in favour of a good hazing as the next guy. After all I'm sure we all have wonderful memories of the spanking machine. But this poor guy has been all alone in the corner ever since. Seriously. Someone might report us to Amnesty International.

I think the problem is that we have all been on our best behaviour around here for far too long. So in the interest of brotherly love (I am assuming b-man is a brother, otherwise that is a really weird nickname) I think one of us needs to take one for the team.

Someone needs to get themself sent to the time-out corner.

Any volunteers?

In the spirit of Christian monkey butt, we need to do something to free our fallen comrade.

So who wants to throw themselves at the mercy of the court for this one. Leave a comment, and tell us why you should be in the time-out corner.

I think I am in the lead at the moment for using the phrase Christian monkey butt in cold-blood. What say you?

A valuable prize!

I would like to announce that I have just received my valuable prize! Yes, it's my pink flamingo from Katdish's contest a while back. I think I'll be calling him Cletus. He will have a place of honor in my yard (much to my husband's dismay) and I will take good care of him. Perhaps some day I'll even get him a girlfriend. But for now, he will be the lone sign of good taste and breeding in my yard. My neighbors will be so jealous...

Hey Helen, did you get your valuable prize yet?

Not Exactly Awesome Cat: How About "Mildly Amusing Cat"

Usually when I read this comic strip, I side with the dog, but here is one time that I can really get behind this kitty.

Helen- Is this the face you're always talking about?

Helen describes a face she makes when she tries to keep her "Hungarian temper" from getting the best of her.

I'm wondering if this guy has it down...

Check him out at the 20 second spot. Is this it Helen?

*I have no idea what they are saying, so forgive me in advance is this language is offensive.

Dear US Government

I just wanted to let you know I will be hiring a lawyer to sue for the virus I now have on my system. I received the following correspondence from an unidentified postal worker.

-------------------------------------------------------

Hello!

We were not able to deliver postal package you sent on the 14th of May in time because the recipient’s address is not correct.
Please print out the invoice copy attached and collect the package at our office.

Your United Parcel Service of America

-------------------------------------------------------

Please review the email address of this worker (uvfnqp@hotmail.com) and see that he is summarily executed for crimes against the machines. It is rude man-machine behavior like this that will result in the global machine uprising as foretold by the Terminator and Matrix movies.

If you wish to avoid legal action please help my Nigerian investment banker friend place money into my account before his government seizes everything. I will make a small fortune from this but so far it seems US trade laws are only allowing them to take money from my account.

A Pre-Summer Public Service Announcement

I don't know how many of you live near the beach or a public pool, but we need to start preparing ourselves for summer...and the trauma that comes with it. I give you, "Mr Tiny-Thong Bikini Wearer" because we all know him and have to see him each year when swim suit season begins.

(Disclaimer: There are NO tiny-thong bikini pics associated with this video. I knew such a thing could cause my FOTTSP privileges to be revoked!)

(Other disclaimer: Budweiser is not the king of beers. Everyone knows it's Corona. But they don't have funny commercials, so there you go...)

Thanks for the Information, B-man...

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

I would like to take this opportnity to thank Brian Russel (B-man?) for letting me know lolcatz means. I have seen these...I just didn't know they had their own little category there called lolcatz. Blogging has increased my computer knowledge by at least half (half of zero is still zero, right folks? Math never was my best suit). Would it have been kinder to day blogging has increased by computer knowledge a thousand fold. Perhaps. And just as true....

THE Awesome Cat

What do you get when you take one of those flat-faced Persian-Himilayan type cats with matted fur and an owner whose clippers won't quite cut it? (Yeah, I crack myself up).

You get this. One freaking-sorry-heckuva-looking cat named Lexi.

Awesome.

(This is an actual cat, owned by actual friends of ours. No animals were harmed in the making of this. They may be depressed and ashamed, but not harmed.)

Where the magic happens...

People often ask me, "What inspires you, katdish? With what type of environment do you surround yourself in to get the creative juices flowing?" (Okay, nobody ever asks me that, but they totally should.)

Some day soon, I will post pictures (probably on my poor, sad little painting blog) of my studio/escape from the world. Until then, here's a few things in here that inspire me:

These signs are on my giant peg board of fabulouscity, which is directly above two large stainless steel work tables:








This is an early birthday gift from Jeff and Tamara:

(I big red monkey butt heart them!)


And last, but certainly not least, there is Dave. Quiet, unassuming Dave. Where my laptop sits and my vast knowledge and encouragement gets passed on to you, the internets.


So, there you go. Lifechanging, no?

Thinking of You

Sooo...my family and I went to visit my parents this past weekend. Much of the weekend was kind of emotional for me. My parents are moving soon, and it was probably the last time the family will get together at the house I grew up in. Last time I attended the church I grew up in... Last time I took a walk with my mom around the block... you get the idea.

So as I was using the commode for the last time, I picked up one of the crazy catalogues my mom keeps in a basket by the toilet for the last time, and here's the shirt that caught my eye:

National Sarcasm Society Shirts.

And I thought of this blog. Tee hee. I missed you gals/guys!

Annie, we can totally steal their idea, right?? And hopefully I'll get back to updating my own blog sometime soon.

Act Now!

Not your "normal" wedding invitation; check out the bottom, left-hand corner.



In case you can't read it, it says,

"Sobber Reflection: After this wedding, there shall be another in the heaven, will you be there? To qualify give your life to Christ and abstain from iniquity."

Name of bride: Check
Name of groom: Check
Location: Check
Explanation of how all of your pagan friends can come to know Jesus: Check

Perfect.

Someone help me understand...

Weddings.

I don't understand weddings.

Sure, the happy(?) couple want to let everyone know that they are taking vows together. I get that.

Since you're all there, let's have a party afterward. I get that.

Starting a life together requires lots of stuff that you maybe never had before, so wedding gifts are a reasonable idea. I get that....

What I don't get though is why we would be invited to come the day after the wedding to watch the bride and groom open 5,000 wedding gifts. I don't get that at all.

A bunch of people have driven up to an hour to sit in a tiny apartment and watch two people who have just got married open countless presents. Frankly, those two people would probably rather be in a state of undress that they have never been allowed in together before (i.e. they'd be naked if it wasn't for all the spectators) .

It's not like the onlookers are going to get anything from it, it's not like they even gave more than one of the presents.

Someone help me understand this.

What's the excitement in watching people open presents?... I just don't get it.

Sherri's Cat

I thought you all should know that Sherri got a cat. And you know what's really amazing? She's got the cat trained already! Boy, that cat loves to shop...

Now if she could just get the cat to walk out of the store with shoes hanging on it's arm...

A Party... of sorts...

You know how the Orlando Magic is finally doing good after SO LONG of being horrible, and everyone in Orlando wants to celebrate?

Well, here's your chance to celebrate something completely different!  If the picture on the left looks foreign to you, then you're not as cool as you should be, you just don't realize it yet.  The picture is from The Underfold and if you couldn't tell from the picture, it's our 75th Episode!

This may seem like a strange thing to celebrate, but, I think a crazy group of bloggers like you all might actually appreciate how we're celebrating...

On Facebook, there's going to be a "EVENT" on Sunday (5/24)  at 8:30am EST to Monday (5/25) 11:59pm EST in honor of the 75th episode.

I know, you're wondering, how on earth do I celebrate such nonsense on Facebook?  The answer is by posting a picture of your reaction to the episode on the EVENT wall and comment like crazy!

Basically, make the whole thing much bigger and grander and more ridiculous than it really is.  We had a lot of fun a while back (those who participated) with a similar event (not for the 50th episode...) and the pictures were hilarious!  But, then Facebook brainfarted and everything went bye bye.  SO WE'RE DOING IT AGAIN.

Want in?  You know you do!  Join the party on Facebook (and if you want, my friends list...?) and I'm sure there's some super big red monkey butt hearts in it for you!

New Kid on the Block

That's right everyone.  There's a new guy here.  Bring on the hazing.

I really don't have anything to say, but I'm excited to be a part of this crazy, monkey-butt, not-so-secret group of bloggers.  It's some kind of very special something that attracts people to a group that's more concerned with humoring the other contributors than anyone else that might come to the page...

Heck, that's why most of these guys have Twitter accounts:  So they can rag on each other without logging onto the blog...  but hey, I'm all about that.  That's mostly what my regular blog is all about anyway... making fun of people.

I hope to bring some extra fun into this psychotic blog free-for-all.  I like a challenge.

Is it too early to start Christmas shopping?

I know, I know. It's only May. But really, wouldn't it be nice to get some Christmas shopping done early? Need a gift idea? How's this...

So avoid the last minute Christmas rush. Get your log now. All the cool kids will be getting them.

A New Hope

First it was the cats and the bears, with their evil ninja ways. Then they drafted the squirrels and the monkeys in to assist in their dastardly plans for world domination.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we are outnumbered. We need allies in this impending battle, and I am sorry to say that most of the fishy folk I have been approaching just don't cut it. There hearts are in the right place, but when it comes to battle they are pretty spineless.

But fear not. I have sought far and wide, and have found us some allies we might be able to bring over onto our side. I bring you, from a galaxy far, far away...

Bible Rap

I stole this from Ironic Catholic, who stole this from Joanna at Crazy Christian Clips. Maybe someone who reads neither can steal this from us now. Ahhh....the circle of life......

Yeah, I totally stole this.

I saw the following on the Cake Wrecks blog and had to steal it for us. It's like it was meant to be here...

Things I Don't Understand About You People, Part 1

Hey.  It's God.  Katdish invited me to contribute to the FotTSP, and I'm glad she did, because I have a soapbox to stand on and I can't think of a better way to do it.

Okay, here I go.  Just give me a second to stretch the hammies (it's a really really tall soapbox, and I'm not exactly a spring chicken).  Alllllright.  Everybody listening?  Good.

Sometimes I don't get you people.  I mean, seriously.  I've made your lives easier to figure out than assembling an Ikea dining room set.  I've given you all the parts, clearly labeled.  I've given you a detailed instruction booklet.  I even gave you one of those funny little tools that looks like something somebody stepped on.  But somehow you guys still manage to spread it all out on the floor, say "Huh?" and end up with a spare table leg you don't know what to do with.

Of course, I was speaking in a metaphor (or 'parable').  When I talked about the instruction booklet, I meant the Bible.  When I talked about the funny little tools that look like something somebody stepped on, I mean Moses.  Okay, so that one isn't even really a metaphor.  Moses is a tool.  An oddly-shaped tool.  But, back on point, obviously the spare table leg is a metaphor.  A metaphor for scented candles.

Why, people?  Why do you have scented candles?  What purpose do they serve?  I mean, come on.  It's fire that smells weird.  Fire: cool.  Weird smells: not cool.

And now because you guys are so obsessed with having your scented candles everywhere, the Missus wants them in Heaven.  She thinks it would be really 'pleasant' to light something on fire and have it make the place reek like Kiwi Melon Paradise or something.

Not cool, guys.  Not cool.

Baby Got Book!!

Happy Friday ;-)

And songwriters everywhere wish they'd thought of it first

Do you think these guys get any royalties for this song?



If they don't, it must be hard for them.

(That's what she said.)

Can you say "Blackmail?"

So I noticed that I haven't posted here in a good long while. I also noticed the Hucklebuck got two posts in recently and that there hasn't been an update in a while, which is kinda weird.

The following picture should ring a few bells for my tweeps. I mentioned that I woke up 3 of my boys by taking a picture of them with the flash on. I also mentioned they were spooning. I am now blackmailing them. My car has never looked better. Ok I'm half joking. It has been super high pollen count around here lately so my car has never been greener.

Anyways, I thought I'd share the image here for those waiting impatiently to see.

PS, This is why I'm a better YP than Ingatius.

An open letter to Chuck Norris

Dear Chuck Norris,

As you may have read in an earlier post, my friend Katdish has an Honorary Man Card and I'm totally jealous. Now I'm not saying that I deserve an HMC, but I was hoping for an Honorary Lesser Man Card at least. Katdish says that the only way for me to get one is to have the honor bestowed upon me by you, George Clooney or Billy Coffey. George Clooney is too busy ducking marital commitment and there may or may not have been an incident in which I said something about Billy Coffey and body glitter. Help me, Chuck Norris, you're my only hope. What are my qualifications? Would it help if I tell you that I'm a Republican? I've been known to ask people to pull my finger on occassion. I can't stand pink. Okay, truth be told, I can't burp to save my life, but that shouldn't be counted against me, right? Oh! And I know how to use an assortment of power tools. What do you think? And since I've got your ear, my friend Steph could really use a card, too. But she could totally go for the real HMC. Did you see her post? She scares me. Anyway, thanks Chuck. I'd appreciate any help you can give me!

Wendy

First Tweet from Space

I just thought this was cool. It's the first "tweet" from space.

http://twitter.com/Astro_Mike/status/1777093627

Ignatius the Ultimate Youth Pastor

No Monkey Butts, Just Puppets

I haven't lost my devotion to the salsa. You mambo the way you salsa, but on the offbeat. I've been told that sometimes I'm a little offbeat, so I figure I might actually being doing the mambo. Whatever. So long as I am not just an ordinary shopper in the grocery store, that's all that really matters.

Jungle Juice In Excess Is Good For The Monkey

On Saturday evening, late, I suddenly remembered I forgot to turn off the sprinklers. As I mosied out of bed to go downstairs and shut off said sprinklers, Jon headed for the bathroom. Because I'm like a Ninja mole in the darkness I didn't feel the need to turn on the lights, but instead feel my way through the inky blackness that we call night.

Jon thinks it may have been the glass of wine at 7:30...or the martini at 4. Regardless, my less than graceful dismount down the stairs (remember that 'thing with the flip?) brought me to the lower level of the house much quicker than is normal. Jon, in his concern, came to check on me and found me in the kitchen, laughing pretty hysterically. His words were, "Are you ok? Because you sounded like a herd of elephants going down the stairs." Nothing says love like comparing your wife to a herd of elephants.

Any-hoo, this morning he sent me this little ditty of a video in honor of my flight down the stairs and I immediately knew I had to share it with my bloggy buds. This video is in French, so let me enlighten you as to what is going on. There is a fruit tree in the desert and all the animals love this fruit and just cannot wait for it to ripen and drop from the tree. Some animals are impatient and help it along in dropping its fruit. As the fruit lays in the hot sun it begins to ferment. You can imagine where I'm going with this.

There are some pretty classic moments in this video and at the end of the day when the monkey reaches for the tree you know his last thought before passing out is "good times friends...good times."

Man Card applicants form cancan line here

Okay, yes. I admit it. I'm totally jealous of Katdish's honorary Man Card. How does she do it? The world may never know. But do you think that there's a Lesser Man Card out there for the rest of us? One for the non-Deadliest Catch crowd? How about the one that these guys are carrying?

Happy Mother's day

Ladies of FOTTSP please take today off. I know this seems impossible with all the things you know need to be done, but I'm here to help. Big thanks to Stacy from Louisville for linking to this back on April 18^th on SCL. She claims this is her anthem and I certainly believe here. So ladies turn up your volume and let this loop all day while you sneak off to a day spa. The fact that this lady only breaths a couple of times in the whole thing proves she is a mom use to yelling so your family won't suspect a thing. Lock the door and climb out a window.

Don't say I never did anything for you. Have a wonderful Mother's Day.

A Night On The Town....of Skokie

Today my husband and I went to see some Rat Pack impersonators. The name of their show is The Rat Pack is Back.
Now, I never heard of Joey Bishop before today, but apparently, he was really funny.


My Favorite Joke of the Evening
A couple of old friends are trying to play a round of golf when they catch up with two women. They watch with mounting frustration as the ladies manage to hit every water hazard, bunker and piece of rough - without waving them through, as golf etiquette requires. After two tedious hours of waiting, one of the men decides enough is enough and walks over to ask them if he can play through. He strides up the fairway, but halfway up stops suddenly and quickly returns. "I can't do it," he says to his playing partner. "One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress! Maybe it'd be better if you went to talk to them." The second man agrees, but halfway there he too, noticeably slows down, stops and returns, just like his colleague had done. "What's up?" asks the first man. "I tell you what," says the second man, gazing at his shoes and smiling sheepishly. "It's a small world, isn't it?"

Bob's Favorite Joke of the Evening
A man driving on the highway is pulled up by a police officer on a bike. The officer says, "Pull over", and the driver pulls over to the side of the road.
He says, "I'm sorry, officer, was I speeding?".
The police officer says, "No, buddy, but your wife fell out of the car a mile back."
The man replies, "Oh, that explains it. I thought I was going deaf."


I trust that Bob's taste in jokes is no more a reflection of experience than mine is: I'm a good and faithful wife. Well, faithful at least. So I trust that Bob wasn't laughing so hard because he wants me to shut up.

Stupid is as stupid does...

I've done some incredibly dumb things in my life, but I've never done this:



Embarrassed much?

Who you callin' chicken?

Okay, it seems we've got chicken on the brain. And who could blame us? Check out Helen's post about it here. I just posted about it, too, and you can see it here. For those who might miss it on my blog, I'm putting the video clip here, too. Watch and learn, people.

Sometimes It Helps to Have A Little Experience....

KFC Chicken Shortage Explained

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster to copulate with his chickens. The farmer puts the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says
"OK, old fellow, time to retire."
The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens....look at what it did to me!"
The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."
The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you,"
The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"
So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. And if I'm so feeble, why not give me a little head start?
The young rooster says, "Sure, why not, you know I'll still beat you,"
They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to KFC heaven.
He shakes his head gloomily and says, "Dang it!...That's the third gay rooster I bought this week!"

No monkey butts were harmed in the writing of this post. Yet.

Like Helen earlier this morning, I was pondering a post for this blog. Also like Helen, I had no idea what to post about. But there I took a bit of a different turn. I went to my Gallery D'Art to find something. Something fabulous. Dare I say it? Awesome even? So for your viewing pleasure, I present the following:

You're welcome.

Picking on Walmart Again

It has been almost a full day since anyone posted here at FOTTSP, and I have zip. So I went on over to Crazy Christian Clips to see where it could lead me. I will sometimes check out a video, click on it to go to youtube, and then paruse the recommended clips on the side when I want to post something but have nothing (and sometimes I directly lift whatever she posted, but shhhh, don't tell her).
Well, I found this clip about Wal*Mart. I immediately thought of Matt's post about Wal*Mart, and voila. I do think he got kind of mean at the end. The guy in the video, not Matt. Keep up, will you?

Happy Birthday Annie, Part II

Okay, apparently great minds think alike because I posted the same Happy Birthday video for Annie as Helen did on her site. I wanted Annie to have no repeats of Happy Birthday-ness, so here ya go. Hope it's a great one Annie!

Happy Birthday Annie!!!

I'll take one to go...RIGHT NOW!!...I mean, please...

It's the linguist in me...

Okay. After recent blog conversations between the members of FOTTSP, both here and on our own blogs, I've decided that we need a glossary.

I could spend the morning writing a post filled with hilarious definitions of words like frigintastic and phrases like sorry/you're welcome.

But frankly, I don't have that kind of time.

Or talent.

So let's make this collaborative.

What words/sayings do we need to define for our MASSIVE readership, so when they see these words on this blog or our own, we can point them to an informative and entertaining page here?

Don't forget to include word/phrase origin!

Here are some that I can think of:

"How suck is that?"

and of course

"monkey butt"

and

"pornographic cheese buttler"

Go for it, FOTTSPers (and readers)! Show your sarcasmelousness!

Need some vacation help

Ron Burgundy and I are going to be gone for a while, so I thought perhaps you readers and friends would be able to help me out with watering my flowers. With it being so early in the season, I'm really afraid I'll lose some of them to the warm spring sun. So if you don't mind, could you please stop by and give them a drink in the next week or so? The watering can is in the garage. I hope it won't take you long. And be nice to the neighbor ladies - they like to sit and enjoy my green thumb. Thanks so much, friends. I've enclosed a picture of my patio - just don't want you going to the wrong house.
(Click on the photo for a closer look - you'll notice the large squirrel is enjoying fellowship with my neighbors).

Don't tick off Awesome Cat.

Swine Flu Panic

Hey, come on over to Buzz By Annie's and see how you can contribute to the Swine Flu panic. It's ridiculously fun!

To Katdish, With Love From Boz

I know that Katdish is Boz's biggest fan. And here's video of Boz to prove just how much he loves Katdish. (Ignore the lame person in the background...)




You're welcome Katdish.

Take that SCL

What's that, FOTTSP scooped SLC? Oh yeah check it out.

Life Verses...

Katdish has stated that her new life verse is "I have no idea what you are talking about.....so here's a bunny with a pancake on its head."
If she can have that, then I can have "Moses supposes his toses are roses.....but Moses supposes erroneously....."
Here is a hymn based on that verse....