Saturday, April 25, 2009

Christian Humor: A Post Inspired by SCL

In anticipation of all the SCLers coming here due to encouragement from Katdish and Steph, I thought I would share some "Christian humor". Enjoy!

Little Helen was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "tell me, Helen, who created the universe?" When Helen didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God almighty!" Shouted Helen and the teacher said, "very good" and Helen fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Helen, "who is our lord and savior," but, Helen didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" Shouted Helen and the teacher said, "very good," and Helen fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Helen a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Helen jumped up and shouted, "if you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The teacher fainted.

How about you? How about sharing a good Church or Sunday School joke with us?


Nick the Geek said...

Hey the anti-monkey butt powder seems to be working. It didn't get rid of the other monkey butts, but there isn't a new one on this post.

katdish said...

I don't know if y'all have been checking out the links on SCL, but this guy is HA-larious!:
Chris Chaudoin

Steph @Red Clay Diaries said...

Katdish, I have to admit that his resemblance to Susan Boyle is uncanny and a little hypnotic.

Wendy said...

Okay Helen, this one's for you...

A little boy had a birthday coming up and he really wanted a new bicycle. So he got down on his knees and prayed, "Lord, if you'll get me a new bike for my birthday, I'll be good for a whole month!" He thought about it a bit, then said, "Lord, if you'll get me a new bike for my birthday, I'll be good for a whole week!" He thought about it again, then said, "Lord, if you'll get me a bike for my birthday, I'll be good for a whole day!" After thinking about that one, he got up and went to his mom's room. He took the statue of the Virgin Mary, wrapped it up in a towel, placed it in a shoe box, then put it in his closet. He then said, "Lord, if you ever want to see your mother alive again..."

katdish said...

How about a good old fashioned Baptist joke? No? Oh hush. You're not the boss of me!:

This morning I received thrilling news: a joke I wrote more than 20 years ago has been voted the funniest religious joke of all time! In case you've missed it, here it is:

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic scum!" And I pushed him off the bridge.

katdish said...

Okay - I cut and pasted a little more than I had intended on the previous comment.

Richard said...

A rock star, an engineer, and a promise keeper make it up to heaven, and are in line waiting for the car they will drive for eternity. St. Peter tells them "The type of car you drive will be determined by how faithful you were to your spouse".

The rock star goes first and says "Dude, I totally tried to be faithful, but being out on the road every night for weeks just took a toll, and I probably slept with 100 women besides my wife while I was married."

Peter replies, "I know you tried... you failed miserably, but at least you tried. Here's a 1989 Geo Metro. Ignore the primer."

The engineer (read: nerdy normal guy) says, "I tried real hard to be faithful to my wife, but I did look at other women a lot, and this one time when I was 42 I cheated with that new woman at the office. I'm so sorry!"

Peter replies, "You know, I know you loved her, and that one time was a fluke, but you didn't get it totally right. Here's a new Hyundai."

Finally, the Promise Keeper proudly states, "I never, ever cheated on my wife, or even looked at another woman lustfully. I did everything I could to stay faithful to her and honor her, and I know in my heart I did well."

Peter commends him, saying "Truly you were a great example. Here is your new Porsche! And remember, there is no speed limit in heaven!"

A few days later, the rock star is getting a ride from the engineer because his Metro smells like old cheese, and they pass the Promise Keeper, who is crying next to his Porsche. They get out, and the rock star says, "What the heck are you crying for? You are in heaven, and you have a nicer car than I ever had!"

"I just saw my wife." Promise Keeper said, in between sobs.

"That's awesome! So why are you crying?"

He looks up at them with tears in his eyes, and says...

"She was wearing roller skates."

katdish said...

Who doesn't love some Jack Handey? (that's what she said):

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, “Dust to dust,” some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, “I’ll be waiting for you in heaven–with a gun.”

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

Wendy said...

Oh, me! Me! I love me some Jack Handey!

Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

katdish said...

Wendy -

HA! Free dummy. One of my favorites!

Nick the Geek said...

Not Christian but super funny and actually clean considering its form Eddie Izzard and over there (Britain) they use the f-bomb as a punctuation mark.

"Cake or death?"
"Um, Cake please."
"You wouldn't believe how popular that is today."

"Cake or death?"
"I'll have the cake as well."
"Oh,sorry, we're all out of cake."
"So my choices are 'or death?'"
"Why yes."
"Oh well, in that case I'll ... have the chicken."

You got to find that and watch it but boy is it funny.

Candace Jean July 16 said...

Oldie but goodie:
Jack, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further. So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jack was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the job almost finished -- he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened.

The downpour washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Jack off his scaffold and onto the lawn among the gravestones and puddles of thinned and worthless paint.

Jock knew this was a warning from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?”

And from the thunder, a mighty voice: “REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!”

Helen said...

Katdish, I like that one, too.
Richard, hee hee hee...
Candy, hee hee heee heee....