Post like the wind! Or something like that.

Okay people, seriously? It's been 3 days since someone's posted here? I need laughter, darn it! Frivolity! Need I say it - fellowship?! So post. Comment. Something. It will make your life complete. Must I always be the voice of reason around here?

Spanish 101

Think you aren't fluent in Spanish? Think again...

1. Cheese
My teachur tole me to use the word cheese in a sentence.
So I say: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. Mushroom
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3. Shoulder
My fren wanted to become a citizen, but she don't know how to read so I
shoulder.

4. Texas
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

5. Herpes
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. July
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. Rectum
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8. Chicken
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. Wheelchair
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair

10. Chicken Wing
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. Harassment
My wife find me in bed with other women and I tole her, honey
harassment nothin' to me.

12. Bishop
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. Body Wash
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids

Freaky Rainbow Room

Because you can never get enough literal videos, especially when they're as groovy as this one...

Boz Dog

Boz had a big day today which included hiking in the woods along the Deschutes River (pronounced De-shoots). He wanted me to share this picture with you in which you can see just how happy he is by the smile on his face. Plus, he thought Candy could use a little cheering up. That's just the kind of dog Bozley is.

PS (Candy) - We will be camping in the mountains (at 6,000 ft - is there anything that high in Iowa?) this weekend and I promise to get a spectacular mountain shot for you.

A Letter

Dear Fellowship of the Traveling Smarty Pants,

It seems you have neglected me lately. Wussup wid dat? Because of your apparent lack of need for me, I have decided to go on a vacation. I probably should go somewhere where all of you are not. Wouldn't want to show any favoritism, you know. I really like bass fishing and shopping for matching outfits for me and my poodle. Any suggestions?

Love,

Your Blog

Happy Father's Day!

This one goes out to all the Dad's out there. Hope your day is a blast!

Dad, the protector

Dad Enters Wrestling Ring And Sends Kid Flying - Watch more Funny Videos

The FOTTSP Man Card Test

How many passes? Can you count correctly?

Yeah, no wonder I don't have a man card - even an honorary pink fuzzy one.

Because it's been 2 days without a post...

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Now don't you wish you'd posted something sooner so this could have been avoided? I guess it's not a total loss - there was a monkey.

It's HOT and, yeah, I'm blessed

Two posts in a row. Oh the humanity!

Well Smartypantsers, it's hot in the bowels of hell...otherwise known as Texas. I'm posting this next photo as a public service announcement on behalf of myself and Katdish. When we ask you to pray for us during the Texas summer, we ain't jickin' around. Exhibit A my friends:



If the glare is in the way, I'll clarify; that says 109. What's really sad is I took this in my shaded driveway about 7 pm last night as I was headed out to the grocery store.

And now for my next photo. Call me blessed if you must, but I think Jesus appeared to me as I was doing laundry the other night. I picked up a load of semi-wet towels (because God-forbid my kids lay them out to dry after swimming...but I digress) When I put the towels in the washer, this was on my nightgown:



It looks like Jesus to me. My husband isn't fully convinced oh he of little faith. What do you all think?

How the Fight Started...

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas
gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last
year!"

And that's how the fight
started......


I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight
started....


I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first!!

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight
started.....


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.

And then the fight
started...


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first,
the truck, the car, playing golf '. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Awesome Cat Escapes!

How funny is this picture??? It's our one and only Awesome Cat!!

Yeah, not geeky enough to get it to animate over here. Sounds like a job for Nick.

The official coffee drink of FOTTSP?

'Nuff said.

Are the vampires shiny?

Yeah so I saw this and it made me think of some of the contributors that may heart vampires a little too much.

Oh look something shiny

This seemed incredibly relevant to the majority of the bloggers here. This is why the government doesn't worry about us taking over the world.

Zach Morris on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

I know y'all were Saved by the Bell fans back in the days when TV was actually worth watching.

It's OK, we're all friends here, you can admit it.

Really, there's no shame in it. My wife and I still sing the theme song occasionally. Well, we sung it that one time... I think... or maybe that was a dream... who's to know?

Anyway, the star of the show, none other than the great Zach Morris, was on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon recently.

It's a great interview, you should watch it here

Even girlie-girls like to kick a little @$$

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!
Sometimes a girl's gotta put on her frilliest dress and race cars. It's all good until she breaks a nail. Then she's really gonna kick someone's @$$.

Hammertime!

I think we all need to get some gold lamé Hammer pants. Who's with me?

I'm diggin' the old guy in the headband...

A Problem with the PP in the Men’s Room

This week I noticed a problem with the PP in the men’s room. That’s right: the Porcelain Press. The Porcelain Press is a safety newsletter put out every month at work. To get people to actually read a safety newsletter, they put them in the bathroom stalls and above the urinals. Sometimes the topics are work related and sometimes they are more general.

This month there was a short article about how to properly jump-start a car. While looking at the diagram, I noticed that the connection order was wrong. After completing the task at hand, I washed my hands and returned to my desk. I checked several sources and sure enough, there was a mistake. I contacted the editor of the PP and asked him to check it. About an hour later, he emailed me back to confirm that there was an error.

After I returned from lunch that day, my safety manager walked in my office and handed me a safety award. I thought that was a little much, but I carefully accepted the award being sure to not incur a paper cut.

I responded to the PP editor’s email by saying “Coffee is actually the one to thank here. Because of her I spent plenty of time reading the Porcelain Press and was alert enough to spot the mistake.”

(Not actual size. Names hidden to protect the innocent.)

ummm...

I'm SORRY if this is extremely immature or possibly quite sacrilegious. However, I am the youngest one of the group so that gives me a little leeway right?

Is there SOMETHING about this that just seems a little...oh I don't know...awkward to you?

For the Moms

 I used to work in a church nursery so I can sympathize.  Don't worry.  It's perfectly safe!

New BabySafe Ball Makes Shaking Your Infant Guilt And Injury Free

(Editor's Note:  This is satirical... so, no hate mail.)

Vatican Humor

A friend of mine from a now defunct prayer group sent me a joke. It is a "Catholic Joke". Yeah, even though I am Catholic, I find some of those funny. I have heard this one before, only it was whe JPII was Pope, and the idea was that he had a led foot when driving.




VATICAN HUMOR


After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the
driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was
a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something
should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver
quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating
the limo to 205 kph.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal
to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one
look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

Social Media Venn Diagram

Well that's just....Awkward!

Oh, Smartypantsers...I have found the funniest site.
www.awkwardfamilyphotos.com!

I'll leave the best ones for you to find on your own...but here's a little taste:


This one is actually kind of cute. But can you imagine the conversation that led to this? And they take submissions...anyone got a good awkward photo to share?

Literal Videos

You remember the weird videos of the 1980's where you sit and think "seriously, what the heck does this video have to do with the song?" Was that just me? Anyone? Anyone?

Well anyway, there are smart, smart people out there who've taken those weird '80's video's and matched the words to the scenes. It's a hoot. I've put one of my favorites up. Enjoy my little smarty-pantsers...

Pulling Rank

Look, I promise I won't do this very often, but I am using this blog to shamelessly self-promote my own blog. In my defense, the story was not written by me, but by Billy Coffey.

It is frigintastically mantastic. I think it's one of my favorite stories he's written. That's saying a lot:

How to Take a Punch

Now, what are you still doing here? Go read it!