Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Squirrel Terror Level raised to Yellow

I know we've had reason to worry that bears and cats are trying to take over the world.

But I now believe that squirrels have joined the alliance. They're currently working out and bulking up, in preparation for Navy SEAL-like attacks on the general populace.

My evidence?

I present to you...

NINJA SQUIRREL


A rare photo of the squirrels' training regimen: high-protein birdseed and windowscreen ab workouts.

I'm locking the doors and getting a BB gun.

32 comments:

Helen said...

Squirrels: Bushy tailed rats with a spring in their step.

Last year I caught one digging up my geraniums from their planters. It had been happening all summer, but I finally caught the culprit right on my doorstep as I was getting the paper. I yelled at him "SO YOU"RE THE ONE!" Do you think the little bugger got scared? No. He just looked at me like I was a giant nut he was trying to figure out how he'd carry away. Pretty scarey indeed. And now they are working their way up from digging exercises to ninja exercises. It is getting so it won't be safe for me to leave the house....

Wendy said...

Watch out! They've got big, sharp pointy teeth! And they can jump! Look at the bones! Oh wait, no. That's bunnies. Nevermind.

BunBun the Cottontailed Rabbit said...

Wendy, why did you have to go there?

Marni said...

The squirrels around here are DEFINITELY in training. I've been concerned for years...now I'm not alone in my worries. The squirrels here don't love Jesus. I have proof. They run out in front of me while I'm driving and try to get me to flip my car or run into a ditch...but get this...they ONLY do it when I'm on my way to church or small group. They're like satan's little army trying to keep me from worshipping the Lord.

Maybe we could start some sort of outreach and try to win them to Jesus and then they'd stop darting out in front of drivers and stealing bird food.

How does one witness to these things? I'm open to suggestions. For now, I just roll down my window as I pass them on the road and yell "You need Jesus you stupid $%^&*#!!!"

Helen said...

"You need Jesus you stupid $%^&*#!!!"
Sounds like most of my evangelization efforts. It doesn't work so well with fourth graders......KIDDING!

Nick the Geek said...

Steph,
You live in rural Georgia and don't already have a bb gun? What is wrong with you? Where do you get your squirrel meat from for gravy and dumplings?

Marni,
The solution is to not swerve. If they don't move then name them thumper ... because of the sound it makes. I avoid larger animals and domesticated animals but never a squirrel. There are too many.

Steph @Red Clay Diaries said...

The Squirrel Ninja Master was out there again. So I opened the back door and yelled, "You need Jesus you stupid $%^&*#!!!"

He ran away.

Does that count as evangelism? I know it did when I was a kid...

Shark Bait said...

Death awaits you, with large, pointed teeth!!!

Oh. Wait, no. What Wendy said.

<-SB><

Annie K said...

I guess you could evangelize them and if it doesn't work just shoot em'.

Marni said...

Yeah Nick, Helen and I've had that very discussion. I told her I've thought about running them smooth over and leaving their icky little carcasses there as a warning to the others not to mess with me. Somehow I just always end up swerving or braking or something lame like that. But now that I've found Lo-Carb Monsters, I bet I can handle the "thumper" manuever...It's like liquid courage...

Helen said...

Marni, not only do I remember that discussion, I believe Katdish recommended eating them in Chinese food.

Helen said...

I found a site to help Marni and Steph with their squirrel problem!

sherri said...

I'm with you Steph- I believe they plan to take over the universe- one nut at a time!

They've managed to wiggle their way into my house before! I swear one was wearing a missing bracelet of mine!

They gnawed their way through our new siding outside and set up house between our bedroom walls. ANd they want us to hear EVERYTHING...and I mean EVERYTHING! It gets a bit embarrasing at times.
I think they were filming a porno video or something-it was THAT bad! (not that I've ever seen a porno video, I can only imagaine!)

Yes, folks, we had porno squirrels living within our hallowed bedroom walls.

Sammy the Squirrel said...

HOT SQUIRREL SEX! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAW!

Helen, shame on you for that threatening link you left here....

Steph @Red Clay Diaries said...

Helen - Ew.

Sherri - So glad you calmed down and stopped shouting. It was hurting my ears.

And good job working porno into this post.

Sammy - Annnnd, all the hot squirrel sex searchers can thank you for your contribution.
And one more thing: You need Jesus you stupid $%^&*#!!!

Sammy the Squirrel said...

Steph=Squirrelbait

See you soon, sweetie.....

sherri said...

Steph- you're welcome. I'm all about ratings, the squirrel sex inclusion was the least I could do.

And, it brought out Sammy, the lurker!

Nick the Geek said...

Steph, I think that squirrel said you were a nut ... unusually perceptive for a squirrel, I wonder if it is one of those trained squirrels in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Steph @Red Clay Diaries said...

Nick, with all the workouts it's been doing, I fear that the squirrel is already strong enough to pick me up and shake me to see if I'm a 'bad nut.'

Help me Oompa Loompas! You're my only hope!

Nick the Geek said...

Don't touch that squirrel nuts, you never know when they are filming.

That's what she said.

Marni said...

Helen, that is a genius website. I have left over parsley in my fridge, and now I know just what to do with it! Thanks for the tip. I'll post pictures as soon as I have my first kill.

DANG IT! Nick beat me to the "that's what she said". I was going to have a field day with that one.

Oh, and as a child, I was so terrified of Ooompa Loompas. And I may or may not still get a little weirded out when I think of them. So yeah, thanks for bringing them up Steph.

Sherri, I'm sorry about the awkward squirrel porn you've had to put up with. We had to deal with that and racoons before. It's loads of fun. My hubs would bang on the ceiling when it was over and yell "Hey man, need a cigarette?"

Nick the Geek said...

Marni,

So if you worked as a waitress and someone wanted some Oompa Loompa to go with their burger you would be all, "no we're out" and refuse to bring any to them?

Marni said...

Nick...in a word, yes.

Candace Jean July 16 said...

Boy, it's hard to follow this squirrel trail when you just join in at 6 pm. Just do what my mother does (yes, my 'cemetery-plot-giving mother) - trap them in a Hav-A-Heart cage, take them out to the Greenbelt (or as she says, Jurassic Park) and let them go. Little does she know she's caught and returned the same squirrel for 25 years. I'm certain of it. He mocks her.

Sydney Godolphin-Squirrel VIII said...

At my estate at Boyle d'Spudswell, we squirrels are in training for the polo season. We enjoy the sport immensely.

Nick the Geek said...

Does the squirrel hang his head out the window while she drives him there? This is likely the squirrel version of going to a theme park.

Candace Jean July 16 said...

No, he's in the trap. But she does feed him before she lets him go. And she'd never admit it, but I'll bet she talks to him all the way there.

Wendy said...

So Sherri, when the squirrel porn is going on, what kind of music is playing with it? Alvin and the Chipmunks?

Ninja Squirrel said...

Sorry, lady. I can't help myself!

Wendy said...

(Ninja Squirrel | Big Nutz)

Tony C said...

In all my years...I can say beyond a doubt...I have never seen those 2 words together- squirrel porn(o)...ever!

And that, my friends, is what keeps me coming back to this blog.

Wendy said...

Wow, an awful lot comes up when you google "squirrel porn"... It must be an epidemic!