One of the local funeral homes had a fire last week. One of the workers attend out church and we work with them often. In the board meeting yesterday it was discussed that we were offering them use of our facilities as much as they need. The prep and holding facilities are fine and I think the chapel is fine, but their offices were damaged so it isn't as bad as it sounds.
Anyways, one of the board members said "Yeah they are having a new Cremation Special." Yep that was the part I warned you about. I told him that was pretty crude, and then I made it clear that when the Youth Pastor says it was not nice it is really bad. Of course I was laughing so my point might have been lost.
Can't say I didn't warn you. At least I'm not the one that said it.
112 comments:
Ba ha!
I'm all about bad taste.
This is somewhat unrelated, but when I saw your comment on Candy's blog, it reminded me of it.
I used to date a guy that was an auditor for a large chain of funeral homes. One of his investigations made the news because in the process of auditing a funeral home's books, he discovered that they had been selling plots AND caskets multiple times. Some graves had more than one casket in them, sometimes with more than one body per casket. Can you even imagine? I wonder if there's a special place in hell for someone who would do that. I know that our bodies are only temporary, but that just strikes me as a seriously evil thing to do to someone's family.
Matt,
hehehe. That is all.
katdish,
yeah people really need to honor families more than that. I wouldn't mind if I was told in advance ... I don't really care much what happens to me. I've pretty well decided that I should be cremated, assuming the cause of my death doesn't ultimately result in cremation at which point it is a mute point. Family should be honored in their time of grief though.
Yeah, that's awful.
And, as far as my body goes, I don't really care what happens to it as long as my stilletos come with.
Put my ashes in a sandwich bag and stuff it in a shoe and mount it on the fireplace. I don't care.
Sherri - the funniest part of that comment is that your ashes probably WOULD fit inside a sandwich bag, if not a snack bag.
Put my ashes in a shoe and it would be the only time I had a shoe that fit.
Frankly, I'd rather have them scattered off a bluff overlooking the Mississippi River, but I think it's illegal unless nobody sees you. So I think this group could take care of that little item for me, being the scoundrels that you are.
katdish- you OBVIOUSLY have not seen my backside lately. But thank you.
I should have said a FREEZER bag.
For some reason, talk of our own burial reminds me of a nasty poem I learned as a kid. Don't worry, I won't leave it on a fine upstanding blog such as this.
Coming soon - email blast from Helen.
Hmmm...hopefully not coming any time remotely soon:
Operation Candy Sprinkles
Tee hee.
Candy,
Would it bother you if I used my t-shirt cannon. It should be perfected by then.
I should put a warning label, "do not shoot blogger ashes into the wind."
Helen - I think that is a wise decision - wouldn't want anything to distract from the quiet dignity of the pornographic cheese buttler.
For some reason, I'm envisioning ashes being shot out of a t-shirt cannon as an episode of Myth Busters.
@NtG - It would be perfect. I want a few ashes in Wisconsin also. Remember to stand down wind.
katdish,
On mythbusters they would see if you could modify a t-shirt cannon to shoot ashes into space. When that didn't work they would use high explosives to make it work.
I should work for them. It would be the best 5 seconds of my life.
"She's everywhere, she's everywhere!!!"
"Tshirt-Cannon Ash Spreader"
On the next Dirty Jobs.
Mike Rowe would totally accidentally get some in his mouth.
Ooo, I think I just wrote something dirty. I'll stop now.
(Katdish, you can take it from here.)
"Mike Rowe would totally accidentally get some in his mouth."
Well considering the fact that, with the exception of my dh, I think Mike Rowe is the sexiest man alive, I'll just sit here and blush for awhile...
so when Candy is ready I'll shoot her across the Mississippi and when katdish is ready I'll shoot her directly at Mike Rowe.
Could you shoot me at Jon Bon Jovi?
Nick - that works for me. But I think you should make alternate plans just in case you don't make it through your premiere on "Mythbusters: That's gotta hurt!"
Katdish, sexier than Scott "Where No Man Has Gone Before" Bakula?
Really, Ladies. Men are not just objects. They have a mind and feelings, too.
(In case Frank dies before me, please shoot me at Tom Burgeron. JUST KIDDING! I meant Fabio. JUST KIDDING AGAIN! I really have no idea who I'd want my ashes to pummel...Is that weird?)
Marni, you'll have to fight Stacey for Bon Jovi.
Stacey, I hardly know you. You seem witty and sweet and I'm honored you're my sister in Christ. But if you come between me and Jon Bon Jovi, it's on like Donkey Kong!!
And I just have to throw this out there: Why did NtG feel compelled to throw a disclaimer about this post being in bad taste? Do we REALLY need a disclaimer since this site was built on it (as opposed to Rock and Roll like SCL?)
Oh and Sherri, I have on some FABULOUS high heels today. They hurt like a mutha, but they are hot, hot, hot. Everytime I look down and admire (read: worship) them, I think of you...
This one was particularly bad taste and has somehow gotten much much worse.
See Marni, my crippled feet STILL look great in stilletos! I just don't move as fast. But I have a desk job, so who cares? Boys are grown, Big AL doesn't chase me around the house anymore...
Don't you just feel better (although you're writhing in pain) just admiring/worshipping them?
And , if I had never met Bi Al, and if I wasn't married, and He wasn't married, and if I was way hotter and he liked short redheaded woman, I'd say my stuffed shoe would be sittin' of Keith Urban's mantle.
(Personally, I think Nicole Kidman is strange looking). What was he thinking? When he could have had all this? His loss.
And, for the record, BIG AL is NOT "Bi"!
He's totally straight, I tell ya'.
Nick, after reading over all the comments, I will have to say that the post that did indeed start in bad taste has ended up quite DISGUSTING!
Helen- you may as well share the poem now. We've got everyone all warmed up!
Ahem ahem....
When I die
I shall be buried
Face down in the grass
So that all who had dissed
Can now kiss my........
Seen on a hypochondriac's headstone:
"See...I told you I was sick."
Helen- that wasn't so bad...
Well, I did leave out the last word.
Helen did you write that for anyone in particular? A name that might rhyme with kapdish?
Nick -
( | )
yeah I think that is what helen want you to kiss
Katdish never dissed me, Nick.
Right Katdish?
I would never diss Helen. Ever. Period.
See Nick? I told ya! I would never diss Katdish either! AND I WON'T LET ANYONE ELSE! (That means you, Bunnicula!)
( o )
Geesh, I leave town to go to a funeral of all places, and you guys are blowin' ashes and (|)'s all over this poor place!! Sherri, thought of you during the funeral because my feet were killing me.
And I didn't know I had a chance to get shot at a PERSON. So you guys get Fabio and Mike Rowe and I'm gettin' Mark Twain? How fair is THAT?? Story of my life.
IMPOSTER!
It appears that Nick is taking Bunnicula's name in vain again.
Didn't he already let you know that he didn't like that, Nick?
I repeat, Fabio was a JOKE. He's alllllll yours, Candy!
Actually, the more I think about it, I'll take Mark Twain.
PS - It took me at least 5 minutes to find the "|" on the keyboard to make a (|). Has that key always been there?
And does it have a name? (no wise cracks, please)
Okay, I just found out that Sheryl Crow does a version of "Dyer Maker". I but it on my playlist because I can't find a complete Ledd Zepplin version. Does anyone else think Sheryl Crow's rendition is weak in comparison to Ledd Zepplin's? Or are these fighting words?
that should read
I put it on my playlist
Candy, that button was never there before. Nick installed it while you were at the funeral. Maybe we should name it in his honor somehow...
Helen - It's Led Zepplin (one "d"). I don't know if that makes a difference or not.
I've not heard the Sheryl Crow's version, but I can't imagine it possibly being better than the original. Then again, I had that album and I LOVE that song.
Isn't it funny how most of their song titles have nothing to do with the lyrics of the song? That always cracked me up.
Also - I bet Hucklebuck knows what that thing is called, and apparently, he's still alive. Win-win.
Have you guys stopped and read thru all the comments on this blog post? Hilarious!
It's pretty amazing. Pity the foo' who comes here for the first time. Starting with "cremation, anyone" this post now has it's own heartbeat. Cracktacular.
Yep, they are.
By the way, I don't know what a Dyer Maker is. If I google it, are my sensibilities going to be in for another shock?
Until googling "Uh oh oh oh oh oh, you don't have to go oh oh oh oh", I thought that was the title of the song.
OK, First Mark Twain is not available for the ash in the face cannon. I might be willing to dig up Samuel Clemons next time I'm in north MO though. I bet he would get a kick out of that.
Second, how does this post get over 50 comments. Bad to worse to worst I'm telling you.
Finally, with all the potential suspects why did I get tossed under the bus for using Bunicula's name? Just because I like pranks doesn't mean I'm responsible for every prank. Although adding a key to someone's keyboard while they were away would be pretty awesome ... if someone did that which I most certainly didn't ;)
Nick, all I can say is that I knew it was not the real Bunnicula, because the real Bunnicula's butt has a certain savoir faire that yours doesn't.
These comments have gone so fast and furious that they've kept my inbox full all day. This in spite of my busyness entertaining 3 kids for spring break.
One commenter was allowed to go unmocked a few minutes ago, and I can't allow that. The comments:
"PS - It took me at least 5 minutes to find the "|" on the keyboard to make a (|). Has that key always been there?"
Followed by:
"And does it have a name? (no wise cracks, please)"
Wise CRACKS. Hee.
Personally, I think that key should heretofore be christened the wisecrack key.
I was trying to keep my mind reflective on this sacred week..then i came here.
Death and burial IS part of the story, but somehow the reverence I came with early this morning is all but lost.
I'm so ashamed.
But on a happier note, I found a pair of shoes I thought I had lost (while cleaning out a closet last night)!
I want to be buried in them.
And if you guys should travel to see me for one last time (or for the first time), wear stilletos in my honor. K?
Well, not you Nick, but the others.
And DON'T let katdish speak. Or get near a microphone. Or draw anything. Or offer a song.
Or sit in the front...etc.
She's welcome at the after party (she can lead karaoke), just not at my solemn funeral service.
promise me that my wishes will be granted?
WHAT IS THAT KEY CALLED??
Candace: LIKE I SAID, IT'S THE WISECRACK KEY! I HAVE DECREED IT!
Sherri, all I can say is that for sure I am staying away from the computer on Good Friday. I kind of trust you guys, but not so much myself.
Candy, I kinda like Steph's name for it.
Steph, are we cluttering up you INBOX? Sorry about that.
oh...I get it. Like you, I couldn't keep up. It's as bad as a Twitter feed in this room.
The wisecrack key is also known as the ... are you ready? ... vertical line. Can't imagine how they came up with that name.
Sherri, I have a great prank idea you could help me with. It would top the last one. It seems to be about the only way to top it escalation being what it is. If you help me I promise to try and behave at your funeral ... I won't say anything about how they had to use a child's coffin or how I'll have to use my marshmallow launcher instead of my t-shirt cannon to send your ashes into the face of a some equally short celebrity.
Hey, this is sort of off topic, but I'm going on a field trip with my daughter tomorrow.
Does anyone know any practical jokes that you can play on zoo animals?
Shoot someone's ashes in their face. Animals hate that but never see it coming. You will need someone of small stature so you can use a smaller delivery device though.
Yeah Nick, thanks alot for not bringing it up. Yes, I'll help with the prank, cause I don't want you dissing me anymore with the short jokes!
katdish- don't hang around the monkey cages with kids in tow- they always put on x-rated shows EVERYTIME we took the kids.
If one of your kids says, Aw, Look mom. That one monkey is raisin' the other one's tail..." the fun is about to ensue so get them outta' there fast!
I know you would think it's hilarious, but really, a bit graphic for the youngins.
And Nick, please remember...I'm NOT DEAD YET!
QUit making plans for my tiny ashes when so far as I know I'm the picture of health.
DO you know something I don't.
DId you get a hold of my recent test results before they sent them to me?
How long doo I have Nick? How long?
Just be straight with me. I can't take it. I'm a big girl. Well, not really, but give it to me straight.
Nick - Don't go making promises you can't keep about firing Sherri's ashes at equally short celebrities. I don't know if you've heard, but Hervé Villechaize has passed away.
Did y'all know that Jeff asked to be taken off the e-mail notification list for this blog? Seems as he was getting an inordinate number of emails on his blackberry. Can you imagine?
The extra 0 was added on DOO for emphasis. It was NOT, I repeat NOT a typo.
I have to leave now to go to my parent's 55th wedding anniversary dinner.
Behave ya'll.
Katdish,
Make sure you shoot ashes at the x-rated monkeys. And make uncomfortable jokes while they're gettin 'hitched'. And be sure to tease them for their height deficiency.
They LOVE that. If they're eating or pooing at the time, all the better.
"If you have any poo, throw it now!"
katdish- I'm taller than some other people too, besides Herve' Villechaize (God rest his soul).
I just love saying his name. "Herve Villechaize" (typing it was a bit tricky though.)
I'm leaving now, but Steph's comments just made me picture katdish and her reaction to the monkey hibbity jibbity. It would be classic, I'm sure. Just sayin'...
Man, you feed your family dinner and color some Easter eggs and...
QUICK! There's a dude on Wheel of Fortune with a severe fauxhawk!
-sack lunch (check)
-sunscreen (check)
-comfortable walking shoes
-flip video camera (check)
-small, portable steamer filled with ashes from the 55 gallon burn drum in the backyard (check) (and shut up, we're only a little bit redneck)
-ziplock bag full of Buddy poo (check)
Ready for the zoo!
Nick, I was sure it was you because BunBun told me. I am sure the others got his email, right guys? You probably aren't on his email list because you don't have yours up on your profile, so how was the little bunny supposed to know.
I think I have enough data to make a formula that tracks the correlation between the inappropriateness of a given post and the number of comments the post receives now.
Serious posts will generate 2-5 comments.
Secular humor will generate 5-10 comments.
Religious humor will generate 10-20 comments.
Bodily function humor will generate 20-30 comments.
Grossly inappropriate humor will generate 30+ comments where the more inappropriate the humor the more comments will be left.
Of course these are all statistical averages and so there will be anomalies but those are exceptions.
Sad, but true Nick.
I'm gone for like half a day. And I come back and this. What the...? Have you people no life?
Annie - I'll have you know that this has been a very productive day. I finished several set pieces for the 2nd grade musical, started making signs for C3 on Sunday, filled a ziplock bag full of dog poo, and simonized my car (okay, I might have made one of those up). I'm a multi-tasker! But I gotta go to bed now! Goodnight Hervé Villechaize, where ever you are!
Actually I was too busy on Facebook to be here.
Wow!! I couldn't get the comments to load on this post yesterday, and now I know why...
81 Comments. Isn't that some sort of record?
Beth, I saw fauxhawk dude on Wheel of Fortune. Thank God, I thought I was the only person under 55 who watched that show. That faux made him dumb. Who wouldn't get "clipboard"? I was screaming it at the TV, but he didn't hear me...
I long to be on that show. I could win some serious prizes. I am sad that gone are the days that my head could float around on the screen as I buy $600 ceramic dalmations, but it's okay I guess.
"That faux made him dumb. Who wouldn't get "clipboard"? I was screaming it at the TV, but he didn't hear me..."
Irony how I love thee
Shark Bait
"81 Comments. Isn't that some sort of record?"
Based on my latest theory of comments in this blog I believe that is a record for the most base post this blog has seen.
Marni, I too have wanted to be on that show. But I have to remind myself that at home it is always my turn, the bankrupt or lose a turn never affects me, and I have nothing to be nervous about. All that changes when your on the show.
What is your favorite category? Mine is probably "fictional character".
Least favorite category? Before and After. I am not fond of the weird combos. Happy Birthday Suit. You know.
Any other Smarty Pantsers want to get in on this? Let's see how high we can get the comments up to!
Before and After is my favorite category. Helen, I hope this doesn't cause you to re-evaluate our friendship..I mean, c'mon "Jiffy Pop Culture"...that's genius right there.
Hey Nick....tttttthhhhhhhhppppppp!
Speaking of death-bad-taste stories (actually we're not speaking of them sense we're now on to sexually aggressive monkeys and Wheel of Fortune) there was a bit on the radio this morning about a 6'7" man who died some 10 years ago. He was buried in a standard casket. A few months ago, the lightbulb went off in his family's collective head and they were all "wait a minute...he was really tall and that casket was no more than 6 feet long...what gives?" So they had him exhumed (!!!) and realized the funeral home had cut off his lower legs so as to fit him in the casket. (I should point out here that the guy was, in fact, dead when his legs were cut off. I doubt he was all offended, but that's just me). But his family is PISSED and threw a hissy fit to the DA's office who has now, 10 years later, charged the director of the funeral home with "desecration of a corpse" and he could very well lose his license.
I just wanted to run that up the fodder flag pole and see if anyone salutes.
Marni, I don't think we need to reevaluate our friendship. I can concede the Jiffy Pop Culture is good. Can you concede that Happy Birthday Suit isn't? Can we meet in the middle here?
I think it was inappropriate for the funeral home to do that without consulting the family. I would have probably said "Leave my Daddy's legs alone!", but, alas, as the hater of Happy Birthday Suit, I may be way off on this one....
Marni, yet another reason to be cremated.
Along that train of thought, why is it wrong to cut someone off at the knees to fit into the casket the family paid for but it is ok to render them into ash?
Yes, Happy Birthday Suit is creepy. I'm so glad we're still friends.
I think it was inappropriate to chop off daddy's legs too. I just found this whole shabang funny because it took them 10 years to connect the dots about dad being tall, but casket being short.
The funeral home put the chopped off legs in the casket and they were buried with daddy. I guess they thought that would soften the blow??
Nick, that is the question of the day. How is burning not desecration, but choppin is. I just don't know. I told my hubs and kids to cremate me and keep the extra cash that saved. Of course now that you're going to shoot me at Bon Jovi, the plan is even better. But I'll tell my family to have a plan B ready in case you don't outlive me. Which statistically speaking, you won't because you are in full time ministry...with teenagers. You're kind don't live very long, I'm just sayin...
Your, you're...whatever. I'm an English major, so that was a serious party foul...
Marni,
You forgot to factor in 4 kids 5 and under and a trip cross country on a plane this summer. Statistically speaking I'm not sure how I'm still alive.
and I thought you were say I am kind, which was very nice of you.
Marni, I was an English minor. Some of the faux pas I have made make me seem more like an English miner, like my daddy was a coal miner in the Old Country. Sometimes I just can't dig up the correct word or spelling.
And I didn't think that you thought desecrated corpses were funny. I understood you to mean the very idea that ten years later someone says "SHEBANG! THAT CASKET WAS SEVEN INCHES SHORTER THAN IT NEEDED TO BE!" was wgat was funny.
"Wgat" instead of "what". Mining for English again....
Isn't "wgat" Welsh for "what"?
Is your life-insurance money burning a hole in your pocket?
Well, stoke the fires with this great sale on cremation!
This deal is HOT HOT HOT! Come in quick before all the savings just burn away!
Don't let this sale become dust in the wind! Act now to make sure that your future's sealed up tight!
Ninety-freaking-seven comments? That's beats Acuff. Of course, SCL has comments from lots of people, not just the same ones over and over.
Brian - for a minute there, I thought Smartypants had its first spam comment. I'm mildly disappointed. (Brian is B-man).
Didn't see the sawing the legs off thing coming. I figured they folded him in half or something.
Best wrong answer of Wheel of Fortune?
Should have been: GONE WITH THE WIND
Contestant guess: DONE WITH ONE HAND
awesome.
ninety nine....
One Hundred!!!!!
WooHoo!!!!!!
DO I win something?
(And no $6000 ceramic dalmation either!)
Uh oh, ninety eight didn't publish, so here it is out of order.
Comment # 98
Yep it did. Katdish was 98.
SO I put us over the 100 comment mark! I think I should get a bonus prize and please, don't let katdish be the prize giver.....
I think the winner should get a visit from the skank fairy.
"done with one hand"...awkward turtle. Did Pat and Vanna get freaked out looks on their faces??
Good News everyone! If you google "pornographic cheese butler", the only two sites that come up are "Hey Look, A Chicken", and this one! I wonder if blogger can stand all that traffic going to only two sites!
I'm gonna tweet this comments section. The world needs to know what they are missing!
I'm glad you retweeted this.
Nick's revelation about the vertical line brought me to this thought...
this - is a horizontal line.
I should go over all of our comments in previous posts and see what further wisdom I can glean....
Cremation Post...I read them all. Thats a bunch of comments. Do I get a prize for the first comment of 2010? Casual humor about death burns me up.
Kristi
I am NOT gonna do this line of comments the dignity of leaving a comment.
Oh, come on Kely.
This is the most awesome collection of comments EVER! It's legendary.
Ahh, we've resurrected the cremains. Awesome!
Carry on. (_|_)
Has everyone forgotten our dear friend @redclaydiaries and her original coining of our beloved ASHCLOUD aka assclown.
Happy ashclouds to all of us who choose to take that route.
As for now, a happy butt dance day .
( I ) ( / ) ( I ) ( \ ) ( | ) ( / ) ( | ) ( \ ) ( | ) ( \ )
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