Each Saturday night here at Smarty Pants, Ethbay will be holding tutorial classes for all those wishing to become fluent in Pig Latin. Class size is limited and is offered on a first come-first served basis, so Ignsay Puay Odaytay!
Sorry to interrupt our usual nonsense with a serious post, but I'm not really sorry. That was just a nice way of starting this post and seeming like a sincerely nice guy. I fake apologized for a good reason, though. I'm selph-promoting today. I'm leaving tomorrow for 8 days with my youth group, and if you wouldn't mind praying for us and sending notes of encouragement, I wouldn't mind saying, "thank you," when I return. For details about how you can pray for us and how you can encourage us, please click on the picture.
Dearest people, I can't stand it anymore! I've heard enough of you crying out to me that I just can't hold back any longer, I have to say something. I know you all hate Tuesdays and I get that you wonder why I even made the stupid day. I know that I'm perfect, and you say that you believe so, but you still have your reservations every once in a while. Don't lie about it, I can read your minds. It isn't much different from cracking a fortune cookie open, only you're less profound than one of those itty-bitty morsels of goodness most of the time!
Regardless, I am perfect and don't do anything wrong. But... if I were to go back and do it all over again, I might skip Tuesday in the whole creation thing. I could do it now if I wanted, but I don't roll like that, so just know it isn't going to happen, no matter what I say tonight.
If I'm being honest, (why do I say that? It isn't like I can lie) I'd have to admit that I hate Tuesdays too. You see, they're just so difficult. They aren't like Mondays that go by fast because half of you are too busy nursing hangovers and the other half are playing catchup from Friday. They aren't encouraging like Wednesdays because the work week is half over. Thursdays are nice because Friday is tomorrow, and they're certainly not like Fridays because believe it or not, I party on Fridays more than you little humans do.
Tuesdays are hard even for Me because they go slower than Mondays, more than half of the week is waiting for Me and I have to listen to all of you complain about it. I can't wait to get to the weekend either because that's when I get to chill out on a throne of your praise even though half of you are still singing songs from 1992. You need to cut that out and get with the times, alright?
Either way, I'm debating on taking Tuesday out of Heaven. I have more flexibility here because everyone up in this joint gets to see Me and what I'm up to all the time and they don't freak out like you all do down there whenever I start something new.
That means that you've got something to look forward to.
BTW my people, Tuesday is almost over for this week.
Okay, okay. I've been remiss in my duties. But hey, you have been, too. So, where's your Ho-down post? Hmmm...? Yeah, I thought so. Well get to writing one. Go on. Skedaddle. And don't come back her until you have something to share with the rest of us. And Mr. Linky.
There I was, one sunny morning, minding my own business (as I am famed for doing).
Eating some cereal, playing scrabble and relaxing with hardly a care in the world.
I was woken from my day-dreaming state by the rude sound of my phone buzzing and beeping to tell me that I had a new text message.
I hurried to check the message, maybe it was a sweet note from my wife. Excitedly I grabbed the phone and read what was on the screen.
It wasn't from my wife. It wasn't from my wife at all.
It was from Katdish. Another request for me to do something for her.
It was then that a thought entered my mind, one which I had previously kept firmly at bay one which, had my mind not been dwelling on the disappointment of the text NOT being from my wife, would never have made it past my mental barricade.
"What If I said "NO"?"
Oooo, the thrill just of thinking that swept over me.
What would that be like? Could I do it?
There would certainly be a back-lash. Did I have what it takes to survive such an onslaught?
Billy Coffey, the great writer of fictional truths (as he describes himself) has often told me he'd 'have my back' in these situations.
I've never been quite sure what that phrase means, but I find it quite comforting and even emboldening.
YES! I could do it. I could grow a spine and say NO!
Boldly I reached out to type the word but as I did so, something prodded at the back of my mind... the phrase "fictional truths" started spreading doubt through my consciousness.
What does Billy Coffey mean by fictional truths? Does he mean that not every word he writes is the complete truth? If so, how do we know which words to believe and which not to?
How can I believe that he would 'have my back'? Maybe that was just a fictional phrase he created to trick me into stepping into a minefield from which there was no escape.
I slumped back in my chair.
The doubt was too great. I couldn't run that risk.
I resigned myself to my usual answer of "Yes, Ma'am" -until, that is, my cunning mind thought of another possibility:
What if I said no anyway, even though I didn't mean it?
How would that be?... A shiver ran down my spine.
I could say no, and do the work at the same time thus experiencing the thrill of saying no yet having the protection of being able to prove I was only joking.
Without a second thought, I typed those two glorious letters:
Clicking send, I waited for the expected emotional rush....
It never came.
Maybe it was the fear or reprisals at my little joke, or maybe it was the knowledge that I was lying. Whichever it was, I felt strangely empty.
After the emotional roller coaster of the last seven seconds (which is all this whole process had taken), this was a huge let down.
I don't know... is this how it would feel to say no for real?
Would there be no adrenaline-filled payoff to offset the retaliation which would be sure to follow?