Wednesday, April 29, 2009

The Goats Name is Japeth

I admit it. I watch cartoons. I have no excuse. I don't have any children, yet today my husband and I watched Hoodwinked. I couldn't think of a good excuse to borrow neighbor children. Besides, our nearest neighbors are senior citizens with children older than us. Anyway, I think I found a new mascot for us. Instead of a monkey's butt, how about a goat's head. Watch this and tell me what you think (except of course, Mare, for whom this might bring back memories of a meal she'd rather not think about).
Oh, and the song explains really well why I have all the stuff I do in my purse.


For Candy

Here's a special request for Candy. If you watch closely though you might find katdish hiding in the crowd. She's the freakishly tall one.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Monkey ... well you know where this is going

So I made a point to say that I heard a monkey butt epidemic caused swine flu in m Young adults class tonight. This brought up another point and thus the image posted below.



The darker side to monkey butts ... monkey cigarette butts.

Wendy's Awesome Suggestions

Always eat right before swimming. Who wants to have to get out again to get food?

Run with scissors because you'll get there faster.

It's all in fun until someone ruptures a spleen. Make sure to have your spleen checked before having fun.

Run around in traffic - it will give drivers a chance to earn points.

Put a screwdriver into a plug socket because it's cheaper than getting a perm.

Don't pay attention when you are using a table saw because you've got more than enough fingers.

Fart really loud then blame someone across the room. When someone calls you on it, tell them that the person across the room is a fart ventriloquist.

Keep Skittles in your belly button. You never know when you'll be up for a snack.

Teach your dog to type so they can spill all your secrets on Twitter.

Photobucket

Hey Look a Chicken gets classy


That's right. I have an actual writer guest blogging for me today.

Jealous much? Seriously - THIS GUY IS A GREAT STORYTELLER. Go give him some cyber love. (Not cyber monkey butt love - just love.)

Monday, April 27, 2009

What am I gonna do with a box?

Okay Steph, since you brought it up...

Man, that's a classic! Wish I knew how to make a pterodactyl...

Google Porn

It appears, that after Katdish's very provocative and revealing expose into the surly world of Google Analytics there have been some very busy Googlers trying to score some Annie K porn.

When I checked my Google Analytics this morning I was awed by the sheer numbers of folks out there who Googled 'Annie K boobs' in all it's forms. Do folks have nothing better to do? I got 36 hits on my site because of this. The most common of course, was 'annie k boobs'. It even got a little racy with 'annie k! boobs' (notice the exclamation point? Seriously. No one uses and exclamation point around my boobs.)

The kicker was 'annie k HUGE boobs'. I can only imagine this persons disappointment when they landed at Buzz by Annie's and found much less than a buzz from boobs. Really, there are waaaay more interesting things out there. And the closest you'll come to seeing porn on my site is me and my kids in the hot tub making dumb faces. In our bathing suits.

Whoever said 'if you Googled porn and ended up here' was a scholar indeed. Touche.

Chicken Droppings Anyone?

Big AL and I went away for our little Harley riding excursion and stayed at very nice southern Bed and Breakfast called THE ROSE HOTEL.

There were travelers lodging there from all over the US, and one couple that we hit it off with very well traveled there from the state of Alabama.

We shared many laughs and spouted off different redneck jokes from our areas.

I think they have us beat though, when they shared about the very popular CHICKEN DROP gambling that is HUGE in Alabama , they say. They have won hundreds of dollars placing bets!

I don't know if I'm alone, but I had never heard of this although after I googled it, I found that my new friends were indeed telling me the truth, as I found blogs highlighting it, advertisement for it and photos from experienced "Chicken drop" addicts!


Here are the rules.

You feed a chicken something that will make him pretty...."regular", then "drop him" (gently) into the cage that has a bingo card of sorts on the floor. Gamblers pay money to buy a square (or a few squares) in hopes that the chicken will choose their square to "drop" it's lunch on.

Here's a short clip so you can get the "visual".



Winner takes all...including cleaning duties!

They say this is a big money maker in many local bars (as long as they don't serve food in the establishment it is allowed) and also has been a fundraiser for high school functions!

They claim the chickens are not harmed in any way- maybe just their pride...I don't know, I always like a little privacy when the feeling hits.



Have you ever heard of this?

Kinda' gives a whole new meaning to "Hey look, a chicken!"

What's a Pirate's Favorite Restaurant?

Arrrrrby's.

Hello! Did you miss me? I am feeling good this morning...despite my half of my face still being frozen with Bell's Palsy. And why do I feel so good, you ask? Well, I finally got some sleep. The affected side of my face has been so sore that sleeping has been hard, plus my eye kept coming open and waking me up, and my nostril doesn't stay open either, so it's hard to breath normally. Be very thankful for your nerves. They are far under appreciated for the job they do. Did you know they control a muscle in your ear that dampens loud noises? Did you know that they control the taste buds that let you taste things? So anyone speaking above a whisper makes we want to punch them, and I keep eating the strongest tasting foods I can find...boy, was my husband happy to come home to ME last night!

ANYWAY, I finally decided to wear something over my eye at night to see if that helped with sleep. I asked my husband last night if he thought CVS would carry eye patches. His response was...

"Buy an eyepatch? No...I'll MAKE you one."

"Um, Ok." (Slight fear and trepidation in my stomach.)

So what did he come up with? I'll just say it involves a detachable bra strap, a nursing pad, and some band-aids. Somehow, I just knew you all would appreciate that.

But I am NOT posting pictures. I will never post pictures. Arrrrrrr....lest I make ye walk the plank!

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Google Analytics: Keyword Search


Here they are people. The top 13 (there's only 13) keyword searches that landed people on this blog:

13) nick only monkey butt
12) xrate mike rowe
11) nick's monkey butt
10) little old man from sydney
9) japanese trash katdish
8) fellowship of the traveling pants
7) fellowship of the traveling smartypants
6) does nick have a monkey butt
5) cremation, anyone?
4) clever comment
3) clayton mcdonald film
2) clayton mcdonald
1) "nick's monkey butt"

For the record, I did NOT google xrate mike rowe, and I may or may not have googled nick's monkey butt, but I only may or may not have done it once (twice, tops). And to the jerk that googled "japanese trash katdish", I'm only half Japanese, so up yours!

Cake or Death

Yeah so I tried writing this bit out but it is so much funnier when you hear it. Eddie Izzard is ... um a bit special but this is one of his better bits and doesn't need censoring so that makes it even better. On top of that this is the lego version so you don't have to worry if he's in drag.



Also, no monkeys so that's cool.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

This just in...

Photobucket


Katdish has lost her marbles kindly invited me to join this Blog-O-Fun! How can I resist?

But on a more serious front... I come with a warning. I looked outside today and what did I see?


Photobucket

Yes, ninja bear cubs in training. BE YE WARNED!

Christian Humor: A Post Inspired by SCL

In anticipation of all the SCLers coming here due to encouragement from Katdish and Steph, I thought I would share some "Christian humor". Enjoy!


Little Helen was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "tell me, Helen, who created the universe?" When Helen didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God almighty!" Shouted Helen and the teacher said, "very good" and Helen fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Helen, "who is our lord and savior," but, Helen didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" Shouted Helen and the teacher said, "very good," and Helen fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Helen a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Helen jumped up and shouted, "if you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The teacher fainted.

How about you? How about sharing a good Church or Sunday School joke with us?

Friday, April 24, 2009

What no monkey butt?

Everyone go say hi to our neighbor. I clicked "next blog" and got one in English this time so I said hi. try not the scare them off with monkey butt posts though.

Who am I kidding, there is a monkey butt.

Enjoy.

Dear Facebook Friend:

The following is stuff I cut and pasted from Facebook that I have never opened. (Okay, I always respond to friend requests, but that one is kind of a long story that I'm not going to go into detail about.) Thank you, really. But please, if you're going to send me anything, just send me notes and flair. All that other stuff is just too distracting for me. I don't have any shiny vampire flair, yet. That would be awesome. Thank you again.




Here's a great friend request.

Underdog is my Role Model

That's what Helen said on Facebook, anyway
Now if she could just get that dang monkey cat off her back.

Speaking of Butts....

I wasn't going to post this because it is tasteless. But then, after viewing NICK'S MONKEY BUTT over and over, I decided that this is an improvement.


Two women went out to have a drink. They ended up having a few too many and started stumbling home around 2am. Halfway home, both of them had to use the bathroom worse then they ever had in their lives. The only secluded place nearby was a graveyard, so they decided to make the best of it. One woman relieved herself, used her underwear as toilet paper and threw them into the bushes. The other woman didn't want to leave her panties, so after she relieved herself she grabbed a piece of cloth from a nearby grave and used it. They continued on their way home.

The next day, the women's husbands were talking. The first husband says, "I think my wife is having an affair. Last night she came home drunk with no underwear on." The second husband says, "You think that's bad? Last night my wife came home drunk with a ribbon on her butt that said, 'We'll Never Forget You!'"

SINCE I CAN'T BEAT HIM, HERE IT IS, THE LATEST INSTALLMENT OF NICK'S MONKEY BUTT! THERE YOU ARE NICK! SHOW OFF YOUR STUFF TO ANYONE WHO WANTS TO SEE IT! SEE IF I CARE ANYMORE. I AM LEAVING NOW TO GO LOOK FOR A LIFE! I KNOW I LEFT ONE SOMEWHERE~!



Monkey Butts, Monkey Butts whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?



Lego Monkey Butt, he's moving on up.

The monkeys have joined the alliance

It seems monkeys don't buy the genetic relationship argument and have gone ape over the animal rebellion. Here is secret footage of the monkey ninja training camp. They have secured a human hostage who is brootalized (spelled that intentionally because it is more cool that way). The rest of the video is cut off because of the violence.

Why Helen Does the Salsa in the Produce Aisle


Thursday, April 23, 2009

Because katdish told me too

Katdish told me to so I had to. I have no will of my own. Yeah that sounds like a good story so I'm gonna stick with it.

Now for the what. Let me just say this is a great group of people and I <3 you all. In fact I decided that I feel really bad for not giving you a valentine so here it is. Enjoy.


Baboon Butt Valentine! -- powered by flowgo.com


I great big monkey butt heart you all.



Because your real friend great big monkey butt <3 you back.

Just admit it, folks

We've gone half a day not posting anything here. I think that's some kind of record. So here's a little picture that I found fitting for this blog:


It's from a website that kinda mocks the Emergent Church movement. Some of the other posters are fun, some are meh.

But I liked this one, cuz it's funny (and true), I don't care WHO ya are.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Matthew West

Over at my Crazy Delicious blog, I've gone through chapter 4 of Francis Chan's book Crazy Love (which I'm pretty sure at least a couple of you have read thanks to Mr. John Acuff). Anyways, while writing, I fell upon this song that fit perfectly with what I was saying and really touched me. The song is called "The Motions" by Matthew West.

Matthew West is an extraordinary Christian artist who has overcome a lot to continue doing what he loves. In 2007, doctors discovered a vascular polyp and hemorrhaged blood vessels in his vocal chords. West had to get surgery and then had to be silent for two whole months (Can you imagine not talking for two months? That would be crazy!). During those two months, West focused on God and God in turn renewed Matthew's purpose.

West made a full recovery and came out with a new album titled Something to Say which includes "The Motions" as well as a bunch of other excellent tracks that I highly suggest you check out. Here is a sweet video I found on YouTube that you should check out to get a taste of what I'm talking about:

And as a side note, I am starting to get my schedule set so I will slowly be returning to the craziness that is the blog world and especially this crazy blog. I see that I have missed a lot and I'm looking forward to jumping back in (and hopefully you are too)!

Have an excellent day and praise God!

Clever Comment of the Week

Katdish suggested a couple of weeks ago that we do a weekly post of favorite comment of the week. I would like to initiate this week's favorite comment post.


This statue of Jesus is made of legos. Ironic Catholic posted a similar picture on her blog with the story. Jeff Miller's comment : "Silly parish - he is the LOGOS, not the LEGOS" was the comment I thought most clever.



That is one of my favorite comments of late. What are yours?

Squirrel Terror Level raised to Yellow

I know we've had reason to worry that bears and cats are trying to take over the world.

But I now believe that squirrels have joined the alliance. They're currently working out and bulking up, in preparation for Navy SEAL-like attacks on the general populace.

My evidence?

I present to you...

NINJA SQUIRREL


A rare photo of the squirrels' training regimen: high-protein birdseed and windowscreen ab workouts.

I'm locking the doors and getting a BB gun.

Monday, April 20, 2009

My dog is such a jerk sometimes



Riddle me this: How is it that a 20", 10 pound dog can walk me around over 2 acres of prime pooping real estate, and choose to do this instead of poop?:


Incidentally, he is rolling over the carcass of a dead crawfish. He's all about rolling around in dead stuff. Especially if he's just had a bath...


And THEN he comes inside, goes straight to my professional clean only wool rug and poops on it for the 900th time? That dog is such a jerk sometimes!

The Electric Friendship Generator


(Sidenote: this video actually fits the column on the first try. Live and Learn.)

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Neti Pot

Erg, I have this Sinus thing that keeps coming back. It is really painful and I hate Doctors to start with, but last time I went they gave my antibiotics and told me it should clear up in a few days. I took all the drugs on time just like a good boy. It got better but didn't go away. They had told me it might be viral so if it didn't go away it should clear up in a few more days. Yeah that never happened.

They also said that if it didn't clear up I should use a neti pot and clear my sinuses. Have you seen this thing? After months of on going sinus problems I'm trying to work up the nerve to do it, but I doubt I will ever be able to. Just watch the video.



Even using the proper stuff this is just nasty.

BTW, I picked this video because of the way the guy looked, then I saw all the other stuff and figured it is a Smarty Pants must post video. I think he may be related to the guy that tried to blow his face off.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

How Do I Take This Play-ahh Seriously?

I was watching the Portland game last night, against the Denver Nuggets. We've finally cleaned up the 'Jail Blazers' and have somewhat of a more 'upstanding' team. Finally. But watching Denver, I want to know how I am supposed to take Chris Andersen seriously. They call him 'chicky man' or something. Is he trying to be the white Dennis Rodman?



Bak...Bak...Chicky...Bak...Bak...

Have I posted this before?

It has been a while since anyone posted and someone sent me this video. I just can't get enough but can't remember if I posted it before. There are so many posts I can't remember. This blog is catching up with me and I post a lot.

Enjoy.



And believe in your dreams.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Bacon!

We all know from Jim Gaffigan, that bacon makes everything better. But this?

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Son Of A Duck!

Bart Ehrman seems to be a bit of a wacky quacky to me, but I love the way Colbert handled him.


The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Bart Ehrman
colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full EpisodesPolitical HumorNASA Name Contest

My goodness...It's only a PICKLE!

I'm not meaning to come across as unfeeling, heartless or cold hearted, but yesterday I came across a strange google search someone had used and landed on my site.

What was the search you ask?

PICKLE PHOBIA FORUM.

I had no idea there was such a thing.

Now, I could understand a brussel sprout phobia or even a hairy kiwi fruit, but the innocent pickle?

It's not much to look at, but c'mon, even the stork loves a good pickle.

Well, of course, MAURY POVICH found someone who had the pickle phobia.

I can't decide if she's faking or not.



One minute I think she's faking (you know, just to get to stay in the fancy hotel he puts his guests in) then the next, I'm feeling bad for her.

Then she starts the total body shaking and that looks fake to me.

What do you think?

Are you afraid of any particular food?

Would you pretend you had a food phobia just to stay in a nice hotel?

What if we said we were ALL afraid of pinto beans and went on his show?

Fairly amusing animal humor

My friend Jude sent me these pics:


























Not exactly Awesome Cat, but still...

Muppets go to Mexico

I didn't want to step on anyone's post so I've scheduled this for tomorrow which is today but that gets confusing when dealing with time travel like that. Anyways, ever wonder about what the Muppets have been up to lately? Yeah they are on "vacation" in Mexico.



Enjoy.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Funny Commercial

Tattoo or not Tattoo

I've been wanting a tattoo for a while and I may have the design I'll get. I'm looking at getting it on either my shoulder or shoulder blade. What what do you think A, B, something else, or nothing at all?





Both designs need some work. I want to try and get some blending and shading to make it look more real.

Did your Easter celebration lack meaning? Maybe it was your holiday decorations.

I’ve been waiting till after Easter to post this, because I thought its subject might be inappropriate for the holiday.

(Then again, I ask myself, HOW does that differ from any other FOTTSP post?)

Anywho. I got an email last week from a PR firm. (Yeah I know; this means I've arrived.)

They wanted me to promote the "Profiles in History" online auction of over 200 figures from the Hollywood Wax Museum.

Because the list included a number of Biblical figures, the PR guy suggested that I promote it during Easter season.

He kindly sent me a link to high-quality photos of the figures. And let me tell you, words cannot describe the beauty and lifelikeness of them all.

(I can’t imagine why any museum would be able to part with them.)

Behold, The Last Supper, in all its waxy glory:


Just in case you’re unclear… Jesus is the blond. Here’s another angle:

So realistic that I almost expect them to start speaking.

(And maybe asking Jesus where he gets his hair done.)

The museum has immortalized many other historical figures in wax, including some presidents.

Here’s the Great Communicator, Ronald Reagan:


And JFK:

I think maybe the two of them should switch suits. And Ronnie could loan Jack some of his extra neck skin.


I'm not sure if the museum is closing, or just replacing some figures. Either way, this may be just the birthday gift for someone you love.

For only $2,000 (minimum bid), you or your loved one can display THIS amazing representation of our Lord and Savior:

(Background not included)

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Greetings from Hey look a chicken!

How does my extended family celebrate the most sacred and holy holiday of the year? By giving my kids gifts like this:


video

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Recall Notice: Humanity is Defective! Please Attend to Promptly!

Although today is still a solemn day (Easter is tomorrow, hence it is still time for reflection), I found this joke for this weekend to be to true not to be shared during our time of reflection.




Recall Notice

The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units, code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed "Sub-sequential Internal Non-Morality," or more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily expressed.

Some other symptoms include:
Loss of direction
Foul vocal emissions
Amnesia of origin
Lack of peace and joy
Selfish or violent behavior
Depression or confusion in the mental component
Fearfulness
Idolatry
Rebellion
The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this SIN defect. The Repair Technician, Jesus, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.

The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.

Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component. No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:
Love
Joy
Peace
Patience
Kindness
Goodness
Faithfulness
Gentleness
Self control
Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B..L.E (Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.

WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded.

DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility.

Thank you for your attention!
GOD

P.S. Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice, and you may contact the Father any time by "knee-mail.'


Thank you to Happy Catholic, whom I have borrowed many jokes from.

Everybody Loves Hucklebuck

A couple of tv moments come to mind when I read a comment by Hucklebuck that says, "I'm all up in that." I have to link them, because embedding has been disabled. I am referring to the poignant Bros before Hos speech.



And then there's this one: Gotta get out more, my brotha!



Word.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Death of An Angel

I'm sure you all heard about the tragic death this morning of a Nick Adenhart, a young man who pitches for the Angel's. My brother (the one with 12 children) wrote a moving commentary about it on his blog 12 Kids And Counting. And I'd like to share it with you.

Annie K

Birthday Gift for Katdish



Katdish,

I know that your birthday is still 4 months away, but I found the perfect gift for you and couldn't contain my excitement. When can "The Fellowship" get together and play?

Here are a few sample cards from the game:

Question 1: You are going to preach to thousands of people, what hair style do you pick?
A. Bouffant
B. 18th Century Powdered Wig
C. Mullet

Question 2: You're on an airplane and find spilled water in your seat, what do you do?
A. Pull a tissue out of your purse and wipe it up.
B. Sit in it to show your humility.
C. Harass the flight attendant until her butt bleeds.

Question 3: God is most interested in you...
A. Getting the best parking spot
B. Having a nice job
C. All of the above

Question 4: Who is experiencing their best life now?
A. The Christian that struggles with sin and doubt, but faithfully clings to God
B. The martyred Christian in a foreign land
C. Lakewood Church members

Question 5: Where do you go for comfort and inspiration in times of need?
A. The Scriptures
B. To a group of caring believers
C. Private resort in the Rocky Mountains

If you answered "C" to every question, you win!

* The questions are not real, but unfortunately, the game is.

What Would Jesus Do?


He'd back up his data on a jump drive...


Wednesday, April 8, 2009

The Wonderful World of Google Image Search

On my last post, I found a picture by doing a google image search for "angry monkey", but Sherri asked me to find a new one, so I googled "monkey butt". Monkey anatomy image searches on Google are pretty straight forward, just in case you're wondering.

But with some image searches, you never know what you're going to get. For a post I'm working on for HLAC, I did an image search for "bar bands". Here's what I got:


I thought of what I consider to be a pretty funny caption, but I'm interested in everyone else's take on this particular bar band. What say you?

It's on like Donkey Kong


I'm off to the zoo. Full report to follow. Happy Wednesday!

Monday, April 6, 2009

Cremation anyone?

Warning, this is in totally bad taste.

One of the local funeral homes had a fire last week. One of the workers attend out church and we work with them often. In the board meeting yesterday it was discussed that we were offering them use of our facilities as much as they need. The prep and holding facilities are fine and I think the chapel is fine, but their offices were damaged so it isn't as bad as it sounds.

Anyways, one of the board members said "Yeah they are having a new Cremation Special." Yep that was the part I warned you about. I told him that was pretty crude, and then I made it clear that when the Youth Pastor says it was not nice it is really bad. Of course I was laughing so my point might have been lost.



Can't say I didn't warn you. At least I'm not the one that said it.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Colbert Dances



This is actually one of my favorite songs, despite Colbert's rendition of it. Colbert has described himself as Catholic. I might conjecture Charismatic Catholic? Is that what dancing in the Spirit looks like?

The actual lyrics are as follows:


Refrain: The King of glory comes, the nation rejoices. Open the gates before him, lift up your voices.

1. Who is the King of glory; how shall we call him? He is Emmanuel, the promised of ages.

2. In all of Galilee, in city or village, He goes among his people curing their illness.

3. Sing then of David's Son, our Savior and brother; in all of Galilee was never another.

4. He gave his life for us, the pledge of salvation, He took upon himself the sins of the nation.

5. He conquered sin and death; he truly has risen, and he will share with us his heavenly vision.


Still, I had fun watching Colbert jump around. How about you?

Kindness

We sang this song this morning. The words have more meaning to me today than they did when I first heard it. His Love really is better than life...

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Dear Friends,

This blog is like one big funny, sarcastic, sassy, witty family. Truth be told, I have more blogger buds with whom I spend more time than I have friends in my own town. When I re-read that sentence, I sound pretty pathetic, but I'm more of a 'develop a few solid friendships than have a gazillion shallow ones' type of person. I am now a firm believer that you can develop a true friendship via blogs, emails, phone calls... Just like a lot of us. If there is a need, we can give a shout out and there is a prayer chain that extends all the way to Africa and India. How awesome and big is that?

Last night I got to talk to Helen over the phone for the first time. I got to talk to her mom too. And Bob. Helen didn't sound like I expected. I thought she'd be a little more Chi-caaago sounding, but she's not. She has a very soft Mid-Western accent and her voice is super sweet. Bob sounds exactly like I pictured. We had a great conversation (Helen said 'Bob likes intelligent conversation', so we talked about 'intelligent' stuff. Bob is way cool.) and now when I read Helen's comments I'll be able to 'hear' her.

I've also talked to Sherri and she is the same over the phone as she is in her blog. A much thicker accent than Helen, and a fun one to talk to. And she laughs a lot. It's contagious. She laughs, I can't help but laughing. Probably half our conversations are just laughter. That's awesome. And I can't wait to hear everyone elses voice. Actually, I just can't wait to meet in person.

I am not normally a person that shares a lot of personal trials, especially on my blog. Especially this blog because it's reserved more for the funny stuff. But this morning I awoke with an extremely heavy and hurting heart and here is where I decided to turn. It's no secret that my adult life has been extremely dysfunctional...divorce, single-parenting, remarried to a man with kids, a blended family that more-so collided, a difficult relationship with my ex... I have had many trials with my daughter and have done a less than stellar job of handling them. I have felt failure as a parent, wife, friend, Christian, dealt with demons from my past gracefully and not so gracefully. I have harbored anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, made poor choices, drank too much to numb the pain and taken it all out on those I love most. I have questioned God, wondered where He was at times and run away from His open arms. I have cried in shame, in hurt, in humiliation, in hopelessness, begged forgiveness from my knees and cried out to God in desperation. I am as imperfectly human as they come.

As I laid in bed this morning, trying to sort out the mess in my heart, a song began playing in my head. I sang the lyrics and stopped on 'I hear the cry of every longing heart'...

I do know that no matter what, God loves me with a hugeness that I will never understand. I know that he feels whatever I do and if I think it hurts me, I know it hurts him a thousand times more. I know He is the God of peace and desires that in my life and the lives of those in my life. I know that He made the biggest sacrifice ever when He sent His son to suffer a horrible death for me. For ME. I know that He will be my guide through anything if I let Him. I know He cares and loves me. Yes, He loves even me.

I don't like to ask things of others, but today I am. I'm not going to go into great specifics of the situation at hand, but I am going to ask for my friends to extend a covering of prayer over me and my family. I would be extremely humbled if you would do that for me.

And I'm going to leave you with the song that was playing in my head this morning, that gives my heart great hope.

Love,
Annie K

Sometimes when I visit churches....

It goes like this.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Sharing Our Gifts on the Superblog



Okay people. We know the seven gifts of the Spirit. What are the 15 gifts of FOTTSP? My nominations:
Nick-Geekiness
Beth-Sweetness
Jeff-pastoraliness
Hucklebuck-techiness
Stacey-patience
Candy- readiness
Sherri-transparency (she'll like that )
Katdish-sarcasm
Helen-Hungarianness (it truly is a gift)
Marni-Commentilisciousness
Shark Bait- cleverness (check out S.B's profile. The whole fish analogy works well with moniker)
Peter-singularity (only one post so far)
Mare-amiability
Ryan- Chutzpah (He refers to you know who as Stan. OK, I do too now, but it is his fault.)
Annie-Hungarianness (The more the better, wherever you are.)
Steph-sarcasm (Like Hungarianness, the more the better.)

I know that I repeated Hungarianness and sarcasm, but as I explained, we needed extra doses of both anyway. How about you? What gifts would you assign us?

(I don't know who to blame, er, I mean thank for my not being able to get this out of my head, Steph for her comment elsewhere about sarcasm being a gift of the Spirit, or Katdish, for the whole cat slain in the Spirit thing on the Bad Economy post, or Ironic Catholic for the video. The point is, I absolve myself. That is all you really need to know.)

The Economy is Bad...



...and cats are drama queens

New Position Available on FOTTSP


It seems that one of the brightest stars of The Fellowship of the Traveling Smartypants will be unable to write for us for awhile. Possibly 5 to 10 years, or 3 to 5 with good behavior. (Which we all know is a long shot at best.) It seems there was an unfortunate miscalculation with a t-shirt cannon, magnesium and an unsuspecting eyeball belonging to the only daughter of a small southern town. That's really all I have at the moment. The details are still sketchy.

This is an intern position. Your responsibilities will include, but not be limited to the following:
  1. Fixing uploaded video problems on this site and other sites written by the contributors of FOTTSP.
  2. Washing Katdish's car.
  3. Emptying Marni's ped egg.
  4. Emptying Peter P's peg egg. (Did I mention that the "P" stood for pirate?)
  5. Checking Sherri's comments for typos. (This actually could turn into a full time position.)
  6. Opening the occasional can of whup-ass on Nick the Geek.
  7. Whatever else we come up with.

Will you be one of the few, the shameless, the Smartypantsers?

The Comment Hall of Fame No. 1



Time is a precious resource that many of us never seem to have enough of. I have a hard time keeping up with all the blogs I follow and still allow for work, church, family time and personal hygiene. But I'm just one of those people who really hate to feel like I'm missing out on stuff. Some might call this attitude immature. To this I say, "I know you are, but what am I?"

I would very much like the contributors and followers of TFOTTSP to make this a weekly thing. Someone can start, then everyone else will just add to it via the comments section. I'm all a-quiver just thinking about it! I'd like this to be a "best of" comments section from all the blogs that most of us read and in particular, those that most of us don't read. Okie Dokey? I'll start:

From Slutty Girlz Rock Band Contest Extended:

Beth said: Tamara, Jeff, Ron....I hate to threaten people I've never met...
so please, I just beg for your mercy.

No skanky dolls.

I already have the most annoying Dora mermaid doll ever thanks to Kathy.

The wealth really needs to be spread around...

To which Jeff said (via katdish): "Threats from people in Indiana don't really scare me. I mean, what are you going to do? Wrap me in a quilt, force feed me corn-on-the-cob, and make me listen to John Mellencamp?"

I guess this means you're still in the running...

Also from this comments section Jake made a comment, but he deleted it. Which is a shame, because it make him the odds on favorite (besides Beth, of course) to win this week's contest: "Welcome home, STD fairies!"

Of course, the Pornographic Cheese Butler post comments section is probably among my all time favorites. I'll probably print that out and have it framed.

There's so many great comments out there! Won't you share some with us?

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

It's a bird, It's a plane, It's a SHOPLIFTER?

Times are tight for everyone you know, and it does bring out the worst in people. And birds.



I had my own little "brush with stickiness" recently and lived to tell the tale.
I saw this video and was envious of the bird's escape plan.
No fair.

Pranks?

Tell me that this group has some awesome pranks planned today. I'm so excited that this April Fool's is on a Wednesday. I have the best prank planned for tonight. I'm keeping it close right now but I'll be posting tomorrow. Till then let me share one of my favorite pranks gone bust.

In my first year of college we decided to prank our RA. He was spending all of his time with his GF and we wanted to get some attention too. Actually we liked him being gone all the time so we could get away with pretty much anything. He was going to meet his GFs family so we knew we had the entire night to pull off the prank. We got all the supplies together and used a very useful bit of information to gain access to his room.

All the keys were designed off of 3 key sets. The dorm key, the dorm master, and the grand master. Because of this there is very little difference between the various dorm keys and if you wiggle the key as you gently turn you can gain entrance to most dorm rooms. Good to know huh?

Well our plan was to rearrange his room upside down. We got everything we needed to hang the bed from the ceiling and everything. It was going to be awesome. All of the books and posters and such were flipped upside down and the bed was being taken apart when we got word from the lookout that he was coming back. Apparently he had forgotten something and turned around to come back. It was very frustrating.

Anyways, I was in the middle of flipping everything on his computer and installing a scrolling phrase screen saver with a riddle that had to be solved for the password and I needed to get out before he came in so I had them stall him with a fight at the top of the stairs. We got the bed mostly back together and out of the room before he came in. He walked in grabbed a bag he left and went back out. Everyone got really freaked by the whole thing and wouldn't go back because they were worried about getting caught.

Late that night he came in a crashed. Quite literally actually. The bed wasn't finished and so it fell apart when he laid down. The next morning he was trying to figure out what was going on and who did it but didn't notice all his posters and stuff were flipped till much later in the day. Not once did he question me. Later that afternoon he came to me "about the computer." My heart jumped because I knew he found out I did it.

Actually he didn't. He wanted my help to fix the computer. I went in and commented about the posters being upside down. That is the first time he noticed. His reaction was a mix between exasperation and acceptance. I almost felt bad but not enough to say anything because honestly I wished we had been able to complete the prank and I was going to milk what little we did as far as we could. I told him the screen saver had a password and asked if he knew what it was. He gave me the answer to the riddle, which I had programed, and we got into the computer. I asked him what screen saver he wanted and everything (as if I didn't know how it was setup originally) and got it all back exactly like he had it. Then he asked me to take the password off, but I counseled him to change it so it would be harder to make it happen the next time.

That is when he told me what password to use so I password protected his computer from those evil hackers but not so much from myself. As I left I began scheming on how to take advantage of my new found power. A few days later, though, one of the hall trouble makers was being grilled on the prank by the RA in the hall. I was walking by when the snitch blurted out, "he did it. Nick is the one that messed with your computer."

This was the best part of course. The RA looked at me in shock, "You did it? But you helped me. You fixed the computer. How did you do it? It never even occurred to me you might have done it."

That, of course, is why I have been able to pull off some awesome pranks. People just assume I wouldn't.

This is my best prank that never was. What about you? Got something planned for today? Do anything awesome in the past?